On Saturday afternoon, Military Husband and I went to see The Gift, a clever movie with superb acting by Jason Bateman. I feel like we do this every Saturday; see a really good movie to counteract the large, nasty, bitter pill of what occurs later that evening. You know, movies like this:
The only thing
beyond cheesy clever about this movie was the title, and you will see why soon enough. When I first looked ahead a few weeks ago to DVR "Fatal Flip" (yep, I schedule Lifetime movies, such is my life these days), I noticed one of the stars was Dominique Swain. Back in the mid-2000s, Dominique was an "it" girl, starring in small films here and there like Tart and New Best Friend, but was more well known for her Stuff and Maxim magazine layouts. I remembered her looking a lot like this:
And now, she looks like this:
She literally looks like my homely 4th grade teacher Miss Apple (shoutout to Miss Apple, wherever you are). Oh the humanity. Lifetime, quit making me feel so damn old.
But truly, I digress.
As you already know, I like to give away the plot for those of you who like to put your grubby hands in the cereal and grab the prize before anyone else can enjoy. Basically, "Fatal Flip" can best summarized like so:
Remember back in my recap of Lifetime's Lethal Seduction when I wrote the writers at Lifetime had gotten so lazy the plots were mirroring porn scripts? I was pretty much spot on with that assessment as this movie is about a creepy handyman, chock full of cheesy, loaded sexual innuendos. I was pretty much like this throughout the entire movie:
"Fatal Flip" opens with Nate, the creepy handyman, plastering wallpaper in a home. You can hear screams from behind the walls and Nate is saying that it "just was not the right house." And then, a lightbulb goes off in Mili Wifey's head. OH.MY.GOD, I GET IT - this movie is not going to be about a car accident/car flip that leads to one of those Lifetime stalking/murdering/seduction scenarios.
This movie is about flipping houses!
Flipping houses with an evil twist!!
Those clever Lifetime writing bastards have done it again #booyah.
Soon we meet Jeff and Alex, a young couple who have purchased an antique colonial home with the intentions of flipping it and becoming millionaires. They have both quit their jobs and created a 45-day plan in which they max out their credit cards, restore the house, pay off the debt with the sale of the house and profit from the rest. Alex and Jeff head to the local hardware store and realize neither one of them has any clue how to do household repairs.
Hold up, they are just NOW realizing this?
The next day, Jeff heads back to the hardware store to find out if there are any handyman available. He runs into Nate, who offers to look at
Alex's the home's pipes. Once home, he tells Jeff the pipes are fine, and offers to do the rest of the renovations. Without even discussing it with Alex, Jeff agrees and even offers Nate, who is a complete stranger, a place to stay in the apartment over the garage. When Alex learns about the arrangement, she is miffed. However, the next day, Nate shows up like this:
Why is he holding a random lightbulb? Is he planning to #screwitin? Ba dum dum, tss!
And Alex, who is basically drooling all over herself, proclaims, "Oh my, you are not what I expected." Right, because if it were my home, Military Husband would have EXPECTED him to button up his shirt and not show up for work looking like he is auditioning for a role in Magic Mike XXL.
But this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics. Ya dig?
Later, Alex's design friend Rosalyn shows up with coffee and she is also impressed by the shirtless handyman. Alex quickly informs her that Nate "hates buttoning his shirts" and there is a lot of giggling and high five-ing going on, the kind you expect from women outside the doors of one of those Thunder From Down Under all male revues. Um, Alex, your boyfriend is RIGHT THERE and he bought you this old colonial money pit to play out your little HGTV fantasy, you might want to show him some respect? But #nahhhh because Alex heads down to the basement to help Nate with the electricity and there are lots of innuendos between the two such as:
"I like screwing it in in."
"This is nice and tight."
"Ohhh, put it in."
"Feels so right."
Later on, an annoying realtor shows up and wants to take pictures of the home for a future listing. She asks Nate for his name and the next thing we see is this:
Seriously? A murder already? Me likey A LOT.
Once Nate has washed off the blood and hidden the annoying realtor's body, he proceeds to have a conversation with Jeff about Alex. Apparently, Alex and Jeff are not married because they have been through a rough patch, but are trying to make things work. Hearing this, Nate determines that he should break a ladder so Jeff will take a nasty fall and he can have Alex all to himself. Thus, Jeff ends up in the hospital and Alex is distraught. But apparently not so much because she agrees to have a nice candlelit dinner with shirtless Nate.
Now look friends, Military Husband would be all:
If I agreed to a candlelit dinner with some shirtless tool who looked like Agent Ward from Agents of Shield while he was piled up in the bed injured. Literally, he would pull himself on his hands out of the house, dragging his bum legs behind to get away from my skank ass. But AGAIN, this is Lifetime, and, well, you know where I am going with this, right?
Right. Let's press on. The next day, Rosalyn comes over and offers to help since Jeff is laid up with injuries for two weeks. And by help, she means ask Nate out on a date. Nate asks Alex if she would be jealous if he went out with Rosalyn and Rosalyn asks Alex if she minds, as well. Of course, Alex is all:
But, Nate and Rosalyn end up on a date that evening and the next day, to rub it in Alex's face, Rosalyn tells Alex that Nate was "smooth and sweet and I'd (sic she'd) love seconds." Alex gets super jealous and she and Rosalyn have a huge fight over Nate. Rosalyn leaves and heads directly to Nate's apartment like:
And she and Nate do the horizontal mambo. Afterwards, Rosalyn snoops around his apartment and finds a receipt with the name "Matthew Waterman." At or around the same time, Alex is helping Jeff, who is still confined to bed. Shocker, Jeff is getting sick and tired of Nate, most importantly, he is done with Nate
eye fucking constantly staring at Alex. Hey, Jeff, how about the way Alex is constantly eye fucking giving Nate the googly eyes? I mean, she is definitely NOT innocent in this little affair. It is like:
Meanwhile, Rosalyn uses some Canadian search engine known as WAZO to look up "Matthew Waterman" and finds out that Nate=Matthew Waterman and his wife Monica Waterman was recently found dead. Rosalyn immediately heads to the house to tell Alex who is not home. Instead, she finds Nate and accuses him of being Matthew Waterman. Nate attacks Rosalyn, rolls her up in plastic sheeting and smothers her to death. We are one hour and thirty minutes into this film and there have been TWO deaths so far (three, if you count the chick behind the wall in the opening credits screaming).
Now we are talking, Lifetime!
The next day, Alex and Jeff are eating dinner and Nate and Alex start telling "inside jokes" and goofing around like a couple of hormonal teenagers. You know Jeff, Alex is REALLY a beeyatch. Feeling left out, Jeff attempts to do something nice for Alex and gets the water running so Alex can take a bath. Immediately after, Nate sabotages the pipes so it was all for naught. Then, Nate finally tries to put the moves on Alex and she is all "no thank you and you need to be out of her by Friday." And I am like:
But, but, BUT, she led Nate on all this time? I do not get it AT ALL. Whatever. The next day, Alex tells Jeff that Nate has a new job and will be leaving by the end of the week. Then, Jeff leaves to buy more primer and Nate tells Alex he has a surprise for her. He has fixed the water and now Alex can take a hot bath. Immediately, Alex strips down neked and jumps in the bathtub with Nate nearby in the other room.
NEWSFLASH TO JEFF: GET RID OF ALEX. She is a skank. #skankalicious #dirtyho
Then, Nate peeps in on her in the bathtub and Alex acts all surprised.
Hey you, you quit that, you bad, bad handyman.
Alex stands there in her towel non-convincingly like "oh no, please, stop, do not look." Suddenly, Jeff comes home and throws Nate out of the house. That evening, the power unexpectedly goes out and Alex heads to the basement in the dark to check out the fuse box. In the basement, Nate is waiting for her and attacks. Alex runs away, and finds Jeff tied up on the floor. Instead of helping him or at the very least, untying him (douche....Alex is a douche, douchey douchemeister), she runs and hides, discovering Rosalyn dead in the plastic sheeting. Alex grabs a nail gun and shoots Nate and when that does not kill him, she smothers him. However, the police show up and inform Alex and Jeff that Nate got away, but they are sure to find him in no time.
But what they do not know is what we ALL know. This is the Lifetime Police Department and the probability odds of them finding Nate are about as good as me winning a stuffed toy from a Walmart claw machine.
I guess that means I will receive the only claw machine surprise that keeps on giving:
FATAL FLIP 2!
At this juncture, Military Husband walks in and says:
"At least this one sort of looked like it was filmed in Massachusetts or something."
"Or something" is right. Andddddddd roll credits!
Did you watch "Fatal Flip"? Would your husband be ok with you making googly eyes at the shirtless handyman? Let me know in the comments below!
I am just swimming in the Lifetime crap stew, so you don't have to, and I am,