Editor's Note: The following Lifetime movie premiered Friday, August 28, 2015. In preparation for Military Husband's leave and our vacay, I pre-wrote this Lifetime recap to replace Monday's Pug Post. Your regularly scheduled
smoking pile of manure Saturday Lifetime Movie recap will return shortly. I know, I KNOW, but even I need a giant vat of booze brain break from the Lifetime Masterpiece Theatre. Oh, and #MaddiethePug says Pug Posts will return once she recovers from her vacation food coma.
Take it away Katy Perry.
And you, yes YOU, grab your whip cream bra and hum along to the tune of "Last Friday Night":
Something stupid's on tv,
It's a film we shouldn't see,
Kind of an impending doom,
Like a fart has cleared the room.
I spot my remote from afar,
God, someone take me to a bar,
Lifetime's on the tv set,
I start breaking into a sweat.
Looking at dumb teens,
On my tv screen,
It's a Lifetime recap,
But you're pretty sure it's crap.
Damn (you're right!).
Last Friday night, yeah a Lifetime movie's on,
Wait, it's not Saturday what's wrong
Tell me this is not a thing.
Last Friday night,
I can't do this twice a week
I'm not some robotic freak
who enjoys this shit.
Last Friday night.
TGIF TGIF TGIF.......
That's right, now Lifetime is pushing out Friday night movie premieres! And while I have no intention of doing this every week, I thought I would razzle dazzle you lovers of this
horrible trash compost fine artistry by recapping the premiere of the FIRST Friday night Lifetime premiere:
Here is what we have learned so far about Lifetime teens. They are either a) stupid, b) in peril or c) going to prostitute for extra cash when necessary. Or d) all of the above. Plus, no matter what the movie, Lifetime teens are always little assholes. And this movie will prove no exception.
As always, for those of you who like to get the juice before the squeeze so to speak, I like to give you a plot roundup. "My Stepdaughter" was sort of like:
A little more the latter than the former. Hey, remember, this is Canada and The Craft is probably just catching on 10 years later.
"My Stepdaughter" begins with Robert and Nancy having a huge argument because Nancy saw Robert with another woman. Robert tells Nancy the other woman was his divorce attorney, ooh burn! Upon hearing this, Nancy, a Lifetime psycho doing psycho thangs, breaks a glass vase and immediately kills herself with a shard of broken glass. Of course, little 10 year old Casey sees it all happen before her own future Lifetime psycho eyes. Flash forward to 7 years later in Lifetime Land and Casey is living with her stepmother Jill, a lab technician, her father Robert, and Jill's 7 year old daughter, Lydia.
Casey is a walking PSA to NOT date men with children.
Jill wants Casey to have lunch with their grandmother who is visiting, and it is fairly apparent things are strained between the two. Nevertheless, Casey sits at the dinner table and MawMaw (MawMaw is soooo much better than "grandmother," am I right?) asks Casey why she wears all that dark makeup and dresses like Rose McGowan back when she was sleeping with Marilyn Manson. Casey
is a complete bitch responds rudely and dismisses MawMaw.
Gosh, I cannot WAIT to have a teenager. They are just super fun.
Over in a pointless subplot, we learn that MawMaw is in a nursing home. She pulls out a handwritten will and shows it to Jill, who is all "that does not look legal, you need witnesses." MawMaw quickly tells Jill that Mr. Parker across the hall witnessed the will. Mr. Parker is lying in bed looking like me when I am watching a Lifetime movie:
I feel you, Mr. Parker. I truly do.
The next day, Casey heads to high school looking like Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance and meets a new kid named Brad at school.
While at work, Jill's coworker Naomi suggests that Casey might be on drugs. Jill makes the typical perplexed dumb Lifetime mom "#nahhhh really?" face and heads home to question Casey. Meanwhile, Casey is busy in her room drawing figures of Jack Skellington.
Makes sense. Tim Burton was on drugs when he thought of the concept.
The conversation goes over
like shit really swell, and the next day, Casey goes to school and teams up with Brad, a weird new kid. Casey's ex-boyfriend Victor, a popular football player, is pissed Brad is hanging around Casey, so he bullies him. At this juncture, I must point out two important facts:
1) The "bullying" is in the form of a round of golden showers involving Victor and Brad.
2) In what high school does the popular football player date the weird, hipster, goth, drug chick dressed in black? Oh that's right, the Canadian Lifetime kind.
No wonder Drake left Canadian high school.
Anyhoo, Casey suggests they pull a prank on Victor. Brad plants a camera in Victor's car and Casey calls him up and gets him to confess his love for her all the while Casey tells him she never loved him. Later, she uploads the video to YouTube because it is just SO funny. Uh oh, Casey apparently has not seen The Bride He Bought Online; Lifetime teen pranks NEVER end well.
Later that evening, Jill receives a call that MawMaw has croaked. The next day, Jill holds a wake for MawMaw and is upset wondering how she died so quickly. Casey, along with Brad, quickly leaves telling Jill that MawMaw was not her #probs and she is off to a party.
Hey, Casey, that act only works when you
look like are Kelly LeBrock.
As they leave, in a sub-sub plot, Jill's trainwreck model sister Skyla shows up. Skyla is drunk and not French, but plays one in a Lifetime movie.
But, BUT, why is she dressed like Ann Wilson from Heart?
Casey heads off to an outdoor rave, complete with glow sticks and lots of EDM music. Everyone has seen the video of Victor and they are laughing at the "funny" prank Casey pulled. Victor calls Casey a slut and the next morning:
Victor assumes the Lifetime position. #deaddeaddeadsky
At or around the same time, Jill goes to nursing home to retrieve an autopsy report on MawMaw. The evening before, Jill learned from Mr. Parker that an "angel of death" had visited MawMaw the night she died. Oh, you mean like this "angel of death":
Future WWE Diva?
Casey legit looks like Paige from the WWE. #amIright #oramIright
Back home, Jill confronts Casey for staying out partying for two days. Casey claims MawMaw's death freaked her out so she just HAD to do drugs, drink and dance to really loud fist pumping jams, you know, normal "mourning" stuff. The next day, Robert grounds Casey for a week for her behavior. He then explains to Jill that Casey went through a rough spell after her mom committed suicide in front of her (oh, you think?) and instead of being there for her like a good dad or going into family therapy, Robert had Casey institutionalized.
Wow, do all the Lifetime parents suck?
Right. Let's press on.
Jill heads to work and sees an article about Victor's death. Victor is wearing the same necklace that Casey gave to Lydia a few days earlier and she suspects something afoul. Yeah, like this movie, but truly I digress. Jill heads home with Lydia and asks Casey about Skyla's whereabouts and Casey is all "I buried her alive."
Then, Skyla suddenly appears and tells Jill to chill out. Back in the subplot, Jill and Skyla head to a lawyer's office where they learn that MawMaw left all her money in a new typewritten will to Skyla. Jill decides Casey must be behind MawMaw's death (Really? Not Skyla, the one inheriting all the money? Oh, ok then.) and, once home, begins snooping in her room. She finds a bottle of melarsoprol in a safe in Casey's room and takes it to work. Even though she is a chemist and lab technician and works in a lab full of other qualified experts, she depends on Google to tell her it is a form of arsenic poison.
Why? Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of logistics.
Back home, Skyla is drunk and tells Casey she is celebrating that MawMaw left her all the money. They both drink copious amounts of champagne. Skyla also tells Casey that Jill broke up with Lydia's real dad because she caught him cheating. Jill and Lydia return home and Jill is furious Skyla and Casey are drunk. She tells Skyla to get out, all the while Casey is like:
I told you so. Lifetime teens = little assholes.
The next day, Jill goes back to the lab tech's office at the nursing home and asks for a tissue sample from MawMaw. He says no, so Jill calls up her co-worker Naomi to seduce the lab tech while she steals the tissue sample and tests it for arsenic. Must be nice to have a skanky co-worker.
The sample turns up positive for arsenic. Instead of calling the Lifetime Police Department (Jill MUST have heard about their reputation from my blog), Jill races off to find Casey. Then, Casey Skypes Jill this:
A KID in peril! Oh, this is rich indeed, Lifetime writers. #touché
Casey admits to Jill she killed MawMaw and further, tells Jill that she and Brad have Lydia in a forest. Casey has absolutely no motive for her behavior whatsoever other than she is a 1) Lifetime teen and 2) Lifetime psycho doing psycho thangs. Brad gets mad at Casey because he thought they took Lydia to get away from an abusive home and had no idea Casey killed MawMaw. Casey quickly says "who cares" and she was not getting in trouble because she is a minor. Casey must not be familiar with the American criminal court system where 17 year olds are tried as adults ALL THE TIME.
While Brad and Casey are arguing, Lydia runs away. Jill finally arrives at the forest and calls Casey who says:
"I WANT TO PLAY."
Um, Casey, wrong movie.
Then, Casey finds Lydia, ties her to a tree and dumps gasoline all over her. Brad attempts to stop her, Casey pulls out a knife and this happens:
You guessed it: Brad assumes the Lifetime position #stonecolddead.
Suddenly, Jill appears and she tries to reason with Casey. Casey tries to stab Jill and Jill knocks her down. Casey runs at her again, Jill grabs the knife and then this happens:
So many dead hipster teens. Tumblr is going to blow up with Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith lyrics, Lifetime.
But truly, I digress.
Anyhoo, 6 months pass in Lifetime Land and everything is back to normal. Lydia, Jill, Robert and Skyla all sit down for a family dinner. Another Lifetime happily ever after brought to you by Preparation-H.
Because watching these movies is just THAT painful.
But, BUT... what about MawMaw's will changing from handwritten to typed? How did trainwreck Skyla inherit all the money when MawMaw did not even like her? Did Robert even mourn Casey's death? Was there like, a candlelight vigil for all those dead teens?
Are we going to address any of this?
Andddddddd roll credits.
Did any of you watch "My Stepdaughter"? For those of you with teenagers, how do you maintain your sanity when dealing with their behavior? Please let me know in the comments below!
Lifetime keeps regurgitating bile and I keep cleaning it up, cause I am,