August 28, 2015

Omigod, Omigod You Guys: 5 Times I Was Totally High "On Blonde"



If you are regular reader of my blog, you know that I am a blonde. My natural color is what you would call "dirty blonde," but over the past few years, I have been bleaching it to hell and back. Yes, I, yours truly, do the bleaching. Nope, I do not trust salons with my hair anymore. I have a WHOLE story on my hair salon experiences you can read at My Worst Hair Experience Ever: That Time Ulta Salon Almost Ruined My Hair.

My hair is actually fairly healthy, well, as healthy as it can be for bleached hair. Right, who am I kidding, but yeah, anyhoo, I like to call my bleached color "Surfer Blonde." However, Military Husband is quick to point it out as "Playboy Bunny Blonde."

Eh, whatever.


I am not sure if it is the natural blonde in me, or the peroxide dripping from my roots into my brain, but this blonde gig causes me to do some truly dumb shit. I mean, I have a boatload of college diplomas, and, in my Ted Mosby voice, I graduated with honors. In short, I am not a moron.

But sometimes, it is like I am channeling my inner Anna Faris in The House Bunny.


When I have these moments, it is kind of like being high on glue. Except the bottle of glue reads:

Does that make sense? No? Maybe? Let's press on.

Here are 5 Times I Was Totally High "On Blonde":

1) Military ID Misappropriation 

A few months ago, I stopped to fill up my gas tank. Side note, remember when gas stations were manned by attendants? Back in those days, I never had to worry about these kinds of "moments." The world would be an easier place for me to navigate if there was always someone to just do stuff like this for me, especially when it involves stinky, dirty gasoline. Anyhoo, I was set to pump my gas, but instead of sticking my credit card into the little slot at the pump, I put in my military ID.

Worst of all? My ID would NOT come back out. It was seriously stuck. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head, most of which surrounded what sort of reaction Military Husband would have when I called him at work to help me with this matter. Not to mention how he would behave when he had to leave work to retrieve the ID from the machine. But mainly I just looked at the pump like:


It eventually came out with a little tugging and a whole lot of praying. I was definitely sniffing the blonde fumes that day.

2) That's NOT A Porn

For a few years, I was convinced the movie How To Train Your Dragon was a porn. Around the time the sequel came out, someone politely informed me it was a child's movie created by Dreamworks.

But I mean, you guys, the title name SOUNDS like a porn.

I cannot be the only one who thought this?


3) And That's NOT Your Car

I attempt to get into "my car" once every two-three weeks. Except "my car" is not my car, it just looks sort of like my car and I stand outside punching the unlock button on my key opener 5,432,000 like:


Until I figure out I am at the wrong car.

One time, I actually got in someone else's car and attempted to drive off. I guess they left the door unlocked by mistake. It was not until I looked over to the passenger side and saw a strange man trying to get in with me that I realized I was in the wrong vehicle.


It happens. To blondes. A LOT.

4) Mommy Ate My Food

For the most part, my pugs eat a raw food diet. Nevertheless, we do feed them what I like to call "junk food" from time to time. This one is #MaddiethePug's favorite:


You see that annoying little aluminum wrapper on the outside of the plastic container? Those can be extremely difficult to peel off at times. As I was opening #MaddiethePug's food a few weeks ago, I realized that sucker was not coming off. Thus, I used my teeth to open in the can. 

And in doing so, I ended up opening the can and getting some of the food and "juices" in my mouth which had me like:


Blonde or not, you should never do this with a dog food can. NEVER. Even #MaddiethePug looked at me like I was crazy.

#MaddiethePug's Editor's Note: My mommy needs to lay off the bleach.
Bleach bath = Ding Bat

5) I Keep On Falling

I am always tripping over my own self on the daily. It is always #goodtimes when I do it in a public place. This usually always happens when I am attempting to make some sort of grand celebrity entrance into somewhere, like a restaurant or an event, whipping my hair around and giving the "look."


When you have a shit ton of weave clipped in and a musical entrance playing in your head, you actually think you are some sort of version of Beyonce'. Or at least I do. 

Of course, right in the middle of my entrance, this happens:


Which is not fabulous or dope in the very least. Especially when everyone is looking at you like you have lost your mind. 

Take it away Queen Bee....


Right. 

Being a blonde is truly high maintenance. 

For my blondes out there, have you ever been high on the bleach fumes? And my non-blondes, do you ever unleash your inner blonde and act a little dingy? Let me know in the comments below!

Cause I'm a blonde, b-l-o-n-d-e, and I am still,

58 comments:

  1. I've always wanted bleach blonde hair but every attempt has been unsuccessful. I've finally given up on even trying.
    I can definitely relate; I've had some "blonde" moments myself. In fact, my supervisors have a "Terra's Greatest Hits" file on their computer for all the dumb crap I've said over the radio at work as a 911 Dispatcher. One of those was when I told an officer I loved him.
    Only I don't. And I never meant to say it. It just came out. "Officer 137, I Love You." That was five years ago and they still have that recording on file to play back and taunt me from time to time.

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    1. Lmao! Omg I can't imagine if there was a greatest hits on me.
      Oh you aren't missing much. Being blonde is high maintenance. It can be a real pain in my ass!

      Delete
  2. My momma acts pretty ditzy a lot - I blames it on da peroxide. Most da time, people act like dey don't believe her when she tells em where she went to school. Dey are all like, doin a tour of da campus doesn't count. BOL BOL! By da way, years and years ago, Ulta tried to ruin her hair too - dey gave her leopard spots instead of blonde wif blonder highlights. I's not even kidding, it wuz AWFUL and she had to get it fixed. She's got a colorist she trusts now, but she always freaks out bout going to a new one - I guess she doesn't want to look like a leopard.

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    1. Omg your mom feels my pain with Ulta!! So so bad!
      And tell your mom I get that alllllll the time. They think I'm a dingaling, but I put them in their place real quick. People shouldn't underestimate us blondes. ;)

      Delete
  3. SHE used to get blonde streaks....SHE thought it was better to be seen as 'a blonde' than senile. Now, SHE goes with senile.

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  4. Oh yes, blonde works...if it goes wrong...blame the hair!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  5. I can relate to this...the more blonde is in my hair the more fun I have doing stupid stuff bahahahahahha. Tripping, oh girl, yes. I'm trying to work on my walking in public skills now. Have a fab weekend! xo Amanda

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    1. I know, tripping is the worst! I hate when people either make a big deal about your fall or make a big laugh out of it with some stupid joke. Hahahaha
      You too! Xxoo

      Delete
  6. My Mum always wanted to go blonde!
    Suri

    Lmao! Laffing so hardd at How to Train Your Dragon. Never once thought about that and when I read it here I was like why didn't I ever think of that. It so makes sense
    Suri's Mum

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  7. Yeah, sometimes I act blonde, I think! That is funny about how to train your dragon!

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    1. Hahahaha thank you!! I mean, it SOUNDS like one?! Lol

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  8. All we are going to say is No. 3 and No. 5 and how about this..............being lost in the commissary parking lot on payday with an attendant pushing your cart while you are trying to remember JUST where you did park your car, and he does not speak English..........................and its hot outside....................................................stella rose

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    Replies
    1. Omgosh!! That is the worst feeling. Lol losing the car in a parking lot is typical for me!

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  9. Those things happen to me on occasion, as well. I'm sort of a dark blonde/light brown (never know which to call it) and don't dye, but I have those moments as well.

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  10. Mom begged her peeps to let her 'frost' her hair (the rage in the '60's) but they would not allow it.......fast forward 30 years later. Mom starts to show just a tad of gray....that thankfully was a very pretty silver gray, natural frosting.
    Mom's moms said why don't t you color your hair. Mom looked at her mom and said when I wanted to frost it you wouldn't let me...now it is naturally frosted and I don't want to color it. Mom said she thought her gray hair made my gma feel old. MOL MOL MOL
    hugs madi your bfff and thank you for the vote!!

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    Replies
    1. Mom is in style! All the kids are dying their hair gray now! It's a thing!

      Delete
  11. Oh geez! So glad you got your ID card out, I would have freaked out haha.

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  12. Ha ha - sorry to laugh at your mom Maddie
    Our mom was a blonde when she was a pup, but now she is brown or red or whatever the box says!
    She still does some silly stuff sometimes
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, hazel & Mabel

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, laugh along! I don't mind one bit!
      Hugs back puggy wuggys!

      Delete
  13. HA! For a non-blond, I certainly have a ton of blond moments!
    KZK

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    1. Oh geez, it must be your inner blonde emerging! ;)

      Delete
  14. LOL about How to Train Your Dragon. :) I've also almost gotten in the wrong car before. One time though, this guy tried to get in my car because HE had the wrong car. Freaked me out since I had the kids with me. At least he knew he was wrong and felt bad about it and that he wasn't a psycho. Close call though!

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I know!
      Omg that is scary and creepy. At least he was nice!

      Delete
  15. I'm blonde with just a little help from Clairol and I can so relate to every one of these. I am tempted to wear my cap and gown on a daily basis so people will know that there is high intelligence under the golden tresses.

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  16. Okays, if all those thingies happened to my Ma...and she is NOT blonde...what excuse does SHE have????? Twinkies? Starbucks? Fritos? Margaritas??? (yes, that last part probably true! hehehehehe) Ma says that she should dye her hair blonde and just get it over with! Oh, and that falling...daily! She blames it on my toys and balls layin' around like 'landmines', butts, let's call a turnip a turnip...she's a klutz..bumbler,dolt, clod, clumsy oaf....oh, the list can go on!! (and she used to teach dance!!!! true story) Anyhu, at least your dress doesn't end up over your head when you fall....don't ask.
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Oooh been there!! Lol!! Tell your mom to join the blonde cult!! Xxoo

      Delete
  17. OMD, Ma forgots to tell you we got the package today!!!! She put it on the table and I KNOWS there is 'something' special in it...butts she said I have to wait til tomorrows! meanie...
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Oh man!! What??? Lol mommmm!!!
      Hope you enjoy!! Xxooo

      Delete
  18. Haha, I always trip too. I am so clumsy.

    My car has a distinct color so I haven't tried to get into a different one. Yet. However, a car identical to mine did park right next to it and I did a double take. But I knew that other car was NOT mine because it had an Obama sticker on it, and I would never.

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  19. I am going to have to seriously consider going blonde if I can use it as an excuse for my "duh" moments! LOL!

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  20. When mum lived in Cleveland (back in the early 70's and was married) she had a black VW bug (the old one). Her husband worked at NASA and he and a co-worker used to do a fair amount of travelling. One time when she picked them up at the airport it had been snowing quite heavily. She THOUGHT she went to her car, but when she put in the key (no remote access back then) it would not open the car. She then realized it was NOT her car!!! Very embarrassing.

    She also used to fall a lot and it turned out it was caused by the muscle disease. Now that she uses a wheelchair outside, she does not fall too much, although sometimes when she comes into the bedroom in the dark and does not realize where I am, she has almost tripped over me. However, she wall/furniture walks in the apt!!!!!

    BTW -- Mum says that when she was a kid, her hair was mousy brown; she kept it dark until her mid 20's when she started frosting it; then she went blonde until it turned completely white!!! She started coloring it as a teenager cos she had a streak of gray!!!! Nowadays that is popular -- but not back then!!

    ttfn and toodle pip

    Cookie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw wow!! I love her stories!!
      Yay for her hair. She's in vogue. :)

      Delete
  21. I'm a blonde and I can totally relate to ALL of these. The dog food----gah!!! I can't even stand it when that junk gets on my hands while opening a can. I'd probably vomit if it got into my mouth!!!

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    1. So SO bad!!! Lol.
      I am surprised I didn't!

      Delete
  22. Isn't it great being a blonde? You always have a reason! But my natural hair color is definitely brunette. I use Loreal Preference...no time to sit in a hair salon for three hours every six weeks for them to cut it. I was at the pizza place one night waiting for my to-go order--the entire waiting area was filled with people. I got my pizza and was on the way out the door with it when my foot caught on the rug. Luckily I caught myself and didn't fall, but the entire waiting area made a loud, "OHHHH!" noise. It was so embarrassing!

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    1. Omgosh!! I've totally done that!!
      I use stuff from Sally's. It's a Loreal bleaching agent; I really love their brand. I've actually thought about doing a blog post on how to do it if there's any interest. It takes me hours, but it costs like $30 tops to do it home (if that because my toner lasts me through multiple applications). Compared to $200 at a salon, that's awesome. And it looks the same or better!!

      Delete
  23. Sometimes I feel rebellious and want to bleach my hair - I have a feeling I wouldn't even be able to do that.

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    1. You can!! It's so not hard. If I can do it, you can do it!

      Delete
  24. Ahh yes, ofc I have my blond non blond moments...! I may not have used my ID card to try and pass for gas, but I have left my debit card in the ATM after withdrawing cash... At least I took my money...! Or I'll be shopping, pay for my items and walk away without the items... Mmm, smart Julie, smart!!

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    1. Oh I do that too!! And I've left my debit and gas card behind!! Lol.

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  25. I've been coloring my hair blonde for so long, I'm an official member of the club. And I do blonde stuff ALL THE TIME. I've totally gotten into someone else's car before. Scary!

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    1. Yes!! Lol but really I wouldn't want to be anything else but blonde. ;)

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  26. I finally got around to publishing my "Sisterhood of the World Bloggers" award post. Thanks again for nominating me.

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    1. Girl I loved your answers!! Thanks for doing the award questions!! :)

      Delete
  27. LOL to #2! I can totally see how that could be mistaken for an adult title!

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    1. Omg seriously!
      It would make a good name for one. Haha ;)

      Delete
  28. I can relate and have never been a blonde LOL!

    One of my friend's always calls himself dragon and that how to train a dragon made me LMAO ;)

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    1. Hahaha! But legit that movie sounds like a porn. Scandalous really.

      Delete
  29. Sooooo. Up until college, I thought I was going to die last because my last name started with a W. Then someone pointed out that people don't die in alphabetical order...the obituaries just LIST them that way. Who. Would. Would. Have. Thought.

    You're not alone, my blonde blogging friend! xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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