August 18, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Fury Road: Sugar Babies



On Saturday night, Military Husband and I rented Insurgent, which in all actuality was Divergent 2 (Would these teen apocalyptic movies just stahhhhppp already?). Of course, just like the time we rented Divergent 1, this happened to me while we were watching:


Such a total snoozefest. 

However, in the grand scheme of Mili Wifey's life, it was nowhere near as bad as this:

Ha, Lifetime has been listening to me.
#LucidaHandwritingFont4theWIN

Now, I have to admit when I saw the preview for "Sugar Babies" last weekend, I got a few butterflies in ye olde bloggy fingers. After all, I have recapped Lifetime's "Sugar Daddies" in Lifetime Movie Network Explores the Yuck Factor and that movie, while horrible, was still a bit entertaining. But "Sugar Babies" would prove not to be the same in any way, shape, form or fashion. The only thing this movie managed to do in its two hour running time was repeat little yucky cliche's about "sugar bowls" and "sweet tooth" which only reminded me of one thing.

My freaking teeth. I might need ANOTHER root canal, people. I know, I KNOW, it is like the Dental Demon from Tooth Fairy Hell is just biding his time to rip out of all my molars and I am all:


But truly, I digress.


Per usual, I like to give away the plot for those of you who like to eat the tootsie roll before the pop, so to speak.  Basically, the main themes of "Sugar Babies" are:

Dirty old men? Check.
Skanky co-eds? Check.

And this:

Except there was no "moral" message.
Unless you count the whole do not play hide the sausage with old dudes for gifts and stuff. #themoreyouknow

And lastly, this:


No, not really, but in Military Husband's words it was about as stupid as "Goosebumps," but no one is murdered and the only horror is the horrible acting which lingers throughout the film like a #MaddiethePug cheese fart.

"Sugar Babies," opens with some sleazy music, the outside of a hotel and on the inside, a young girl wearing lingerie andddddddd.......

A Pearl Necklace, which she is wearing for this nice older gentleman:

 He's "resting his eyes," not dead. Yet.

For now, we will call him #PawPaw.

If you think it cannot get anymore cliche' than a pearl necklace, well:


We have only just begun. 

Flashback to three months earlier in Lifetime Land where we meet Katie Woods, a recent transfer from Worthington Community College, beginning her junior year in architect design at Montlake in Washington State (*cough* Canada *cough*). Katie is a simple middle class girl, with her parents sending her off to school armed with student loans and no cash for the college essentials like condoms and party cups books. Katie is all #sadface that her college books are like $400.00. Sean, the college bookstore worker, suggests she take out a loan. I mean, Katie COULD go get a job or be a student worker or even find a respectable way to pay for the books she needs, but guys, this is Lifetime Land.


And we all know that is not going to happen.

Soon after, we meet Tessa, Rochelle and Sasha, our three skanks sugar babies.

Skanks of a feather, folks.

They are perusing a site called Sugarbabies.com looking for rich older men to pay their bills. They talk about money and free trips they have received from old men and are quick to add that if one sugar daddy does not pan out then "don't worry, there is plenty of sugar in the bowl." Of course, that might be old, moldy, geriatric sugar, but hey, these men are all the same in the dark.


Rochelle meets up with #PawPaw who we now know is Saul Williams, a rich geriatric dude in his 80s with one foot in the grave. Since I like #PawPaw better than Saul, we are going to stick with that, ok? Rochelle explains her terms to #PawPaw which include paying her $3,000/month to be his business intern, attend all his important meetings and make financial decisions for him. And there will be NO sex for #PawPaw. Instead of #PawPaw being like:


#PawPaw is all cool with this arrangement and the two smile and make small talk.

Lame. And I thought Insurgent was dumb.

In the meantime, Tessa is meeting up with her married Sugar Daddy, Leo Granger. Leo wants to know if Tessa has a friend she can call up to meet him and his business partner for dinner. Tessa remembers she met Katie in her class earlier. So, she calls Katie over and asks, but Katie declines because she told Sean she would go to a frat party. Katie heads to the frat party where she meets up with Sean who is super drunk, and this happens:


Because this is a college frat party and puking is like a regular party foul.


But Katie is all mad, and ends up calling Tessa who tells her to meet her at the Sky Club, also known as The Lifetime Hooker Lounge. You know, that disgusting place in Lifetime Land where Lifetime Sugar Babies and Daddies and Babysitter Hookers and their Johns meet up for good times. Follow along, people! Katie feels inappropriately dressed for, well, whoring, so Tessa pulls Katie's shirt down, takes her hair out of her scrunchie and gives her some hot red lipstick.

You are like, so totally gonna be a prostitute.

Then, Katie meets James Smith who is not British, but plays one with a terrible accent on Lifetime. He plows her with champagne which leads to them kissing. The next day, Katie learns that her debt at the bookstore has been paid off when Sean hands her this:


And then I am like, damn, these dudes pay for college books, too? Where were these clowns when we were getting raped by the law center bookstore? A bunch of copies stuffed into Trapper Keepers by the "Law School Publication Center" should not cost $2,000.00 a semester. I am over here paying back student loans, and Katie is diddling Mr. Bean to pay off her one year subscription to Architectual Digest. Oh but of course, Katie tries to get all self righteous about the situation for a whole minute and complains that Tessa told James about Katie's bookstore debt. She even asks Tessa if the whole thing is not just like "hooking." Tessa tells her it is "an arrangement" and immediately, Katie is like "oh ok" and goes right on about her prostituting business.

This bitch. Right here. Named Katie.


To drive the whole "Katie has to be a hooker" thing home, Katie's teacher dangles a summer fellowship in Italy in front of her face. Katie can attend as long as she can pay $7,000 for flight, room and board. So, what is a girl to do? Call up James, meet him at a furniture warehouse and boink him on his recently purchased priceless antique couch. 

Those stains won't be coming out, James.

Katie must have a magical vajajay because not only does he direct deposit the $7,000 into her account, but he buys her a new dress, handbag and a gift card for shoes. Katie, Tessa, Sasha and Rochelle all meet up at the Lifetime Hooker Lounge where Katie dips into her boom boom fund to buy her friends champagne.

Three cheers for being co-ed whores!

James shows up to whisk Katie off to some kind of gala (hookers go to galas now? I thought they only went to "ho" tels? Ba dum, tss!). Katie gives James a gift, which is some tie tack she bought at K-Mart, and James cannot resist looking at Katie and her gift as if she has just offered him a sip of her skank juice. I mean, Katie, this is not 6th grade and you are not going steady with this dude. Like, um:


Oh, and sub-plot alert: Sean was at the Lifetime Hooker Lounge observing the whole evening's affairs. Later, Sean tells his buddy Cory that he saw Katie at the Lifetime Hooker Lounge and Cory is all, "well you know what that means."


Meanwhile, in yet another boring sub-sub-plot, Tessa and Leo are arguing over Tessa's whoring ways spending habits which leads to Tessa threatening to leave (oh, boo freaking hoo) and Leo begging her to stay. In another sub-sub-SUB plot, #PawPaw gives Rochelle a recommendation for business school. #PawPaw is headed out of town to see his family, but he grabs Rochelle's hand to let her know how well she has Anna Nicole'd him these past few months. 


You will see what I mean soon enough. 

The next day, Katie tells Tessa that James will not text her back, so Tessa suggests Katie have "the talk" with him. Katie desperately needs to talk to James because she, like, totally blew threw $2,000 of her whoring fund. Katie heads to the Lifetime Hooker Lounge to meet James, but James sends his pal Peter to meet her instead. And Peter is all, "I know you need $2,000" and asks Katie to join him for dinner and sexy time. By this point, Military Husband is like:

"Yep. THIS is happening."


The next day, Katie heads to visit her parents for Thanksgiving. She must be dipping into her skank fund again, or she took Peter up on his offer, because she buys her dad a $1,500 recliner. Her parents are suspect of where Katie is getting her money, and Katie's mom finds Katie's phone while she goes through her laundry and sees this:


Now, a regular co-ed hooker would have a passcode on her iPhone, or a fingerprint touch, and would make sure to turn all the notifications OFF alert on her Dirty Old Men Hooking App when she headed home for Thanksgiving. But you know, NOT Katie. Why? Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all disbelief of plausible logistics. Katie's parents are upset, but Katie tells them she needed money for the Italy fellowship, so hooking seemed like a good idea.

Don't blame Katie, blame the writers at Lifetime. They suck.

Back in sub-sub-sub plot land, Rochelle meets up with #PawPaw for dinner. However, she tells #PawPaw she wants to make it "room service" instead and #PawPaw's 80 something year old heart gets to palpitating and this whole situation just screams a future 911 call. Then, over at the Tessa/Leo sub-sub plot, Tessa is flipping out because Leo is back in town and has blocked her calls. She whines to Katie that Leo has not paid for her condo in two months and she is about to lose everything she got in her totally legal profession of choice. And Katie is all "I'm dropping my membership to the hooking site" and leaves.

Way to be sympathetic to your fellow prostitute, Katie. 


At or around the same time, Rochelle is doing her dirty pearl necklace hoochie cootchie dance and this happens:

Warned you. #PawPawhascroaked
#deathbylapdance #viagrawasnotbae

Rochelle calls Tessa to tell her #PawPaw bit the big one and she does not know what she should do about his dead body. Tessa tells her to leave, and Rochelle decides to do the right thing and calls 911 to tell them her "friend" died. The next day, Katie tells her teacher she cannot afford the Italy fellowship, sends James a refund of the money he gave her and donates all her hooker clothes to Goodwill. Later that evening, Katie goes to a frat party and meets up with Sean. All is good until Sean's friend Cory starts pointing her out as the local hooker on the corner. And Katie is like:


Just kidding, but that would have been exponentially cooler than what happened next.

Katie packs to leave school, fearing her name has been smeared with a scarlet letter and her dad arrives and encourages her to stick around. Katie does and ends up running into Tessa, who fills her in on everyone's life stories, as if any of us #giveafuck. Sasha got married to her on again/off again Sugar Daddy Ken. Rochelle got called to a "special reading" of #PawPaw's will and he left her a chunk of money. The "special" part must have been that #PawPaw's family were not invited to hear the glorious news that #PawPaw left his cash to Rochelle the Super Skank. Tessa moved to New York to become a model, but she "didn't give up her sweet tooth for the sugar baby lifestyle."

Katie closes this ginormous pile of shit fantastic film with one final quote:

"Some people are always in the sugar bowl!"

As Military Husband and I were all:


And rollllllll credits.

Did you watch Sugar Babies? Do old men paying co-eds for dates gross you out?  Let me know in the comments below!

As always, I keep stepping in Lifetime poo poo, so you don't have to,

39 comments:

  1. Damn, I wish I could have watched this. Singapore is like one sugar bowl, so... HA

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  2. I soooo luffs your reviews!!!! YOu do nose how to make me laffs!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  3. Laughing so hard. You seriously make my day with these posts. I'm going to effing binge on Lifetime one night I swear and laugh til I puke. That was raw, I know, sorry. xoxoxox Amanda @ Brownie World

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  4. Thank you soooooo much for watching LMC, so I don't have to LOLOLOL!

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  5. Oh come on I liked Divergent! I think it would be kind of a nifty nabber if a machine could read your mind and tell you what kind of a career you should have. Save a lot of time trying to figure life out and save a lot of money on education. But it only gave you three holes to be pegged into. Jeez. We have a Redbox right outside of our grocery and Lee always stops to look at the new releases.
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

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    1. Lol! I liked it fine. But I did fall asleep during it oopsie! Insurgent though? Lame! Have you seen Mazerunner yet? It was pretty good! Get Lee to rent that. Xxoo

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  6. Why would we have to watch the movie when you do it and write such funny reviews? Thinking the reviews are the best part of it anyway.

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    1. Lmao! I'm glad you enjoy! Full House Biopic is next week!

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  7. Hahahaha you are the best! I always look forward to the reviews.

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  8. In that one picture, she looked like Kerri Green from Goonies...but that would have meant she didn't age at all since the 80s! I looked it upon IMDB, though, just to be sure...no Sugar anything on her IMDB filmography, so phew! All I can think is that old men deserve what they get when gold diggers go after them. In my 30s when I was dating, I met so many yucky old men who would hit on my 20-something friends and they would say, "Ewwwww!" Yes, young women could EASILY go track down some rich old men who would fall for just about anything if it mean being able to spend time with a hot young woman. Have you ever noticed, though, that the rich good-looking men don't go for that stuff? They usually marry extremely beautiful women with brains and careers of their own...

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    1. Omg! She does look like her! Lol!
      Well, I guess because I live in a small area, I do know quite a few girls like this who are married to old dudes. They have nothing in common with their husbands, either-partying all night while husband stays home raising the kids! It's pretty gross. My husband is the exact same age as me and I'm glad for it.....he had no interest in younger girls. Then again, he wasn't from my town! Lol! I had to find him in another time zone!

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  9. THE PEEPS RECENTLY SAW THE JUDGE AND GRAVITY ON DVD...VERY GOOD!!
    HUGS MADI AND MOM

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    1. Oh cool!
      I think me and Military Husband will do a post on our favorite movies ever so you don't think I'm a total hater. Lol. :)

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  10. Hookin' for Books?! Nows, why didn't I thinks of that?! Oh, because I'm not in a Lifetime Movie, that's why! Phew!
    Oh, and Ma says, if you really wants to smell a phart linger, come on overs in the evening...Prime Ruby phartin' time! hehehehe
    Nows, Ma hasn't seen Insurgent or Divergent , butts she LOVES the Action flicks! She can't gets enough of the Bourne movies, or the Taken movies or Bond (she's partial to Daniel Craig's ♥), she could go on, butts it's SO boring!!!
    Anyhu, so glads I didn't have to sit through this gem! ☺
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. My husband loves the Bourne Movies!! I liked the one with Jeremy Renner...swoon! Do you like the Mission Impossible movies? My husbands guilty pleasure.
      Oh yeah Maddie and Belle do the toots at night too. Real stinkers!! Make you leave the room!! Ahahaha!
      ❤️

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  11. Oh eek. Eek.

    This Saturday is the Full House movie I think. I am so watching that.

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    1. It is!! I'll be watching and recapping!! :)

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  12. I love these so much, haha! And I haven't even bothered to watch Insurgent - what they did to the actress's hair drives me up the wall. They make wigs for a reason!

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    1. Omg thank you!! Seriously whhyyyyyy would you chop Shailene Woodleys hair? Do you see J Lawrence with shorter hair?? Nope.
      Although ScarJo wacked hers right after Ultron, but my girl just had a baby and she dyes her hair so much for films, I imagine age wanted something quick and easy with a new baby. But Shailene? Noooooooo!!

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  13. OMG!!!!! I LOVE these posts!! I can't stop laughing!!!! These are my faves!! Thanks for the review of Insurgent too!

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    1. Haha oh you're welcome! I wouldn't waste rental money on that! Wait until it shows up on cable!

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  14. hide the sausage- I AM DYING right now! so funny.

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    1. Hahahaha! More like wrinkled withered up sausage in this case.

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    2. ahhh my brain hurts thinking of that lol!

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  15. HA! Well, I guess I won't be watching Sugar Babies... ;-)

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  16. Isn't this how all college co-eds get through school? I only ask because I have seen this plot way too many movies. LOL! #ItAintPrettyWoman

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    1. Lol! Well I guess I missed the memo. I'm Sallie Maes bitch for life. Thanks to the law center and those cheap ass copies they made me buy!!

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  17. LMAO #viargrawasnotbae. These are the best!

    Thanks for asking how I was on the BellFurZoo. I commented back but I don't know if you get them or not? I am still doing a whole bunch of sitting and watching tv ;) I finally go for my appointment with the neurosurgeon Monday :)

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    1. Yes I did! Oh let us know how that goes. So sorry you're going through all this lady!! Xxoo

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