August 3, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Forever: His Secret Family



Saturday night, Military Husband and I finally went to the movies to see Marvel's Antman. It was GREAT, and kid friendly, so my mom followers should not hesitate to take the kiddos to check out the movie. While we waited through the credits, the man sitting on the row behind us (who was with his young children) made some comment like, "I hope the Marvel Easter Egg is Black Widow's boobs." This had my husband like:


Me? Well, I heard Black Widow, thought of Scarlet Johansson, and realized I had something to look forward to later. No, you pervs, not her tatas, but instead, her last movie Lucy. You see, I DVR'ed the movie because I do love me some ScarJo. Once we got home, I rolled through my DVR list to find my movie and I saw a title of a movie that made my upper lip quiver and my nose wrinkle up, as if I had smelt a barrage of Taco Bell farts.

At least they sprung for Courier font.

Reality hit me. I just smelt the biggest fart of all - the whiff of a Lifetime Saturday night. And as #MaddiethePug would say, "she who smelt it, dealt it," so with that, let me get started on sharing this gem with you. We open Saturday's movie, "His Secret Family," with a shot of Big Bear, California. In other words, a shot of Canada.

"Oh Canada! Lifetime Movie Network Land!
If I miss this crap, it's always On Demand.
With psycho women on the rise,
The teens in peril and strange guys,
Lifetime movies are so shitty.
I am so sick of thee!
Oh Canada keep producing these movies so crappy.
Oh Canada this is why I don't like your country! (just kidding, or #nahhhhh)"

God, that was lame.


I am totally becoming the old person that *thinks* she is still cool. Right, let's press on. "His Secret Family" stars Haylie Duff as Sarah Goodman. You remember Haylie, Hillary's sister and the one and only Summer Wheatly.

She totally lost to Pedro because of Napoleon's sweet dance moves.
#vote4pedro

Now she looks like this:


And is a Lifetime contract actress that actually CAN act. But, you know, this is Lifetime and with a transparent title like "His Secret Family," my expectations are set about as low as they were when I first heard about McDonald's McLobster.


I mean, just:


But truly, I digress.

For those of you, like me, who like to enjoy the pretzel before you pay the vendor, I always like to give you a plot summation. This plot device is fairly simple. Basically:

For my older followers (GREAT movie, by the way).

For my younger followers.

And for my HIMYM fans, well, the plot can be summed up like so:

The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! #yousonofabeech

Here's the play (in my Barney voice): Tell your wife, Sarah, that you are the Southern California regional director for a large pharmaceutical sales company, RDT Pharmaceuticals. Think of a good fake name, like "Jason Goodman." After all:

You are gonna be all GOOD-man. 
#seewhatIdidthere

Then, tell your wife you have to take frequent business trips that keep you away for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. In the meantime, let her drown her debt and ward off bill collectors, while you enjoy beer, booze and broads, in particular the kinds that wear velcro clothes and gyrate to R Kelly's "Feelin On Yo Booty." If she ever questions you, get her liquored up and do the horizontal cha-cha with her a few times. She believes you because let's face it, You. Are. AWESOME. 

And it is on.


However, trouble is afoot because Sarah wants Jason to be at their son Brandon's doctor's appointment. Jason is all, "but I have a REALLY important meeting" and Sarah insists he be there. Brandon decides to consult an expert on how to get out this situation.

Trapped in the Closet for 33 Chapters? Expert. #BOOM

And the next morning, Jason is nowhere to be found. Sarah takes her son Brandon to his doctor's appointment and learns Brandon has a rare genetic disorder which requires a bone marrow transplant. She and Jason will need to be tested to see if either one can be a donor, an interesting subplot that, incidentally, will go absolutely nowhere #Lifetimesubplotgraveyard. After the appointment, Sarah is worried her husband might be dead or perhaps kidnapped, even though she receives numerous clues that her husband is a lying, cheating asshat that just got caught red-handed, including:

1) He never answers his phone or returns her call. Being that he is a salesman, his phone would ALWAYS be on him at all times.
2) His parents are conveniently dead and his sister is a recluse. But, Sarah calls his sister anyway and she does not even know Sarah. 
3) His work has never even heard of a Jason Goodman. Instead, a man named David Marcus is the regional director for Southern California. DING DING DING DING!
4) There is a receipt to a post office box in Santa Monica in his jacket.
5) His email account has been deleted.
6) His Facebook account has been deleted. Might want to run a search for a David Marcus who lives in Santa Monica on Facebook? 

You've been unfriended, biatch. #burn

But instead of realizing it was ALL A BUNCH OF LIES, Sarah heads to the Lifetime Police Department to file a missing person's report. Remember back in Lifetime Movie Network XXL: The Bride He Bought Online when I said the Lifetime Police Department made Southpark's Officer Barbrady look competent? Right. Well, this movie provides no exception. Detective Dumbass Sharpson of the Lifetime Police Department tells Sarah he will do absolutely nothing helpful whatsoever put his excellent skills at work to find Jason.

We're not cops, we're just drawn that way.

As a matter of fact, he and his partner, Detective Miller, immediately accuse Sarah of having something to do with his disappearance, even though Sarah has absolutely no motive whatsoever to kill Jason. Jason is a broke louse and her sick child needs a bone marrow transplant from Jason (Sarah learns she is not a match), but yeah, that makes totally perfect sense. Sarah, you might as well have hired the White Chicks to solve this case.

Worst buddy cop movie ever.

Months pass in Lifetime Land, and Sarah is greeted, yet again, at the door by Detectives Sharpson and Miller. No, they still have not found Jason, but they did find Amanda Woodward dead; they believe Jason was having an affair with her.

Jason disappeared right after Amanda turned up dead. Is he concerned? #Nahhhh

The Lifetime police were tipped off that Amanda was sleeping with Jason because they found a bracelet on her body with Sarah's fingerprints. Detectives Sharpson and Miller demand to search Sarah's home without any sort of search warrant, and Sarah obliges. But you know, all of this is completely irrelevant because nothing comes of this subplot either #bonesthugsandsubplots #seeyouatthegraveyard.

The next day, Sarah sees Jason walking around the Santa Monica pier in a news report. She remembers the Santa Monica post office box receipt and heads there to investigate. Upon arrival, the postal employee tells Sarah he has never heard of Jason Goodman, but a David Marcus rents a post office box from him. Really, is there no postal protocol in Lifetime Land? I guess not because Sarah asks him to put a package that we can only assume she marked with "To: My Sorry Ass, Lying, Cheating, Murdering Husband From: Sarah" and no physical address in David's mailbox. Of course, the postal worker obliges without considering that it might be a pipe bomb, or loaded with anthrax (because that is what a pissed off Lifetime wife SHOULD be doing) and with complete disregard for the handling of mail through the United States Postal Service.

But remember folks, this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all plausible belief of logistics.

#whatsintheboxxxxxx #hopefullyabetterplot 

I guess the post office worker called "Jason" or "David" (AGAIN, who the hell is this postal employee?) because he shows up with Wife #2 to pick up the package. Sarah follows them home and surprise, surprise, Jason is living in a huge home with HIS SECRET FAMILY.

Those clever bastards at Lifetime have done it again.


Sarah rings the doorbell and tells Wife #2, who we know now is Emily Marcus, that she is Allison Shaw, a realtor who goes door to door in nice neighborhoods encouraging people to sell their homes to drum up business. Instead of asking to see her business card to make sure she is not a weirdo or even being like, "yeah, I'm not interested," Emily is like "come on in" and proceeds to let a total stranger in her house for a tour of her valuables. Emily tells "Allison" or "Sarah" that "David" or "Jason" (confused yet?) and she have three kids, but they could not have anymore because "David" or "Jason" is always away on business. Unexpectedly, "David" or "Jason" arrives home.


And Sarah is all:


"Jason" or "David" acts like he has never seen Sarah before and escorts her out of his home claiming she is a thief. Sarah begs him to help their sick son, but "Jason" or "David" has forgotten all about him and to be perfectly honest, so have I. Sarah leaves and "David" or "Jason" tells Allison he has to leave and channels his best Jack Torrance impression from The Shining.

David isn't here, Mrs. Torrance. #redrum

I love when Lifetime villains go all psycho for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The writing at Lifetime Headquarters just gets better and BETTER.

Meanwhile, our friends at the Lifetime P.D. call Sarah to bitch at her because they were hard at work building a case against "Jason" or "David" that did not involve finding him, solving Amanda Woodward's murder, stopping a charlatan with access to a world of pharmaceutical supplies or even putting an end to that postal worker who just allows ANYONE to shove shit in someone else's mailbox. Gotta love those brilliant officers down at Lifetime Central Station. 

Lifetime: They've got their best men on the job.

Anyhoo, "Jason" or "David" calls Sarah and tells her he that he left because he "just couldn't afford two families anymore" and asks to meet. Then, "David" or "Jason" calls Emily and tells her that he loves her, but one of these families has to DIE. Because this is Lifetime and we are one hour and eight-two minutes into the movie with NO DEATHS. Pick it up, Lifetime. Sarah tries to find a gun in the family safe, but "Jason" or "David" already has it and is waiting for her in the house. "Jason" or "David" tells Sarah he did not love her or their son and wants them all dead. Sarah runs to one of the two boats outside their home where she has conveniently stashed all the gasoline. Detective Sharpson shows up and then this happens:

He's a Lifetime cop. They aren't exactly skilled marksmen.
Or anything else, for that matter.

"Jason" or "David" shoots Detective Sharpson and runs off to the other boat to follow Sarah. The two boats go round and round and ROUND until "Jason's" or "David's" boat runs out of gas. He dives into the water and swims to the shore where Dumb and Dumber Detectives Sharpson and Miller are waiting to handcuff him.

#thosemeddlingkids #foiledagain

Fast forward to a few weeks later and everything is back to normal at the Goodman household. Nobody mentions what happens to Amanda Woodward, Emily Marcus, "Jason's" or "David's" other three kids, Sarah's overwhelming debt or Brandon's life threatening disease. Instead, Sarah, Brandon and the cops celebrate and take a really fun boat ride together.


Oh. And that postal worker is still in Santa Monica shoving random shit in people's mailboxes.


Anddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "His Secret Family" on Lifetime? What would you do if you found out your husband had another wife and family? Let me know in the comments below!

As always, I wade through this crap so you keep coming up roses,

34 comments:

  1. Lifetime movies are so cheesy, yet so addictive.
    I no longer have cable TV, so no Lifetime for me.
    You're crazy creative with your summaries. Love it!
    If I found out my husband had a secret life, he'd be gone from my life in a New York minute.

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    1. Aw thank you!!
      And my husband wouldn't have time, lol. I'm all he can handle.

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  2. I'm just waiting until you review one of the TeeVees thingys Mums lot make...that is gonna be sooo funny
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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    Replies
    1. Oh for real? You need to point me in the direction of what to watch so I can!!

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  3. Omg, this one seems particularly bad. Definitely not watching this one! HA

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    1. Yeah it blew. But it was short! Lots of commercials!

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  4. I'm super excited to hear Ant Man was good!

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  5. i am addicted to Lifetime movies, they are so silly and predictable.

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    1. Hahaha they are that!! I've got to go back and recap the other ones I watched this year!

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  6. I love lifetime movies but just recently found a new channel Hallmark Mystery...
    Hugs Madi's mom

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    1. Oh that sounds like something my mom would love!

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    1. I love to hear that!! Making people laugh is so rewarding!! :):)

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  8. I love that #lifetimesubplotgraveyard!!! There are many times when my agent or editor points out that I let a subplot just (POOF) vanish into thin air. I fully intended to wrap it all up somewhere along the way but somehow in the month or three it took to write the book, I just forgot all about it! Makes you wonder if ANYONE is looking over these Lifetime scripts and saying, "Hey! You forgot something..."

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    1. Lol! Oh of course no one is! The writers puke up this garbage formulaic writing and Lifetime goes um ok and green lights the movie. I can do this!! Lifetime, call me!!! I have ideas!!

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  9. Wow! I hate that I missed that one. That is like a lifetime in a row that I've missed! LOL!

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    1. Lmfao!!
      There will be a quiz at the end of the year!

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  10. I almost watched this! I might have to catch it in an encore which I am sure will happen several times on Lifetime.

    I'd throw all my husband's stuff in a pile & burn it. Hit him for child support & let the other lady have him. Yep, that's what I would do.

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    1. Oh yes! You can watch and read my recap again for a laugh.
      Haha, yes, to the left to the left, everything you own BURNING in that pile to the left.

      My husband is such a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy. He hates drama and another family or woman and all the lies would be so much drama to him, lol.

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  11. You do such important work, so that the rest of us don't have to watch these movies. Just want you to know that I appreciate you! And your GIF's are hysterical.

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    1. Lmao. This makes me feel so good!
      No really it does.
      Lifetime is so rewarding. Haha.
      No but, I live to make people giggle until they teetee themselves. Best job on earth.

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  12. I haven't ever watched a Lifetime movie and this is why....but I really really adore your write up!!!! Oh my gahhhh perfection. And I will probably watch one now to laugh and roll my eyes at. I love your writing style. You rock! xo Amanda

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    1. Aww thank you!! And welcome!! I do this every week! Lifetime provides me with endless material. Xxoo

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  13. OMD, Ma saw this in the listings and thought of YOU!!! BOL!! She was gonna watch it, then thought...nah...why waste two hours of my life when Maddie's Moms will sum it up in fun filled gifs!! So, she watched some other paranormal thingie instead.
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. I'm beginning to think I will be like Pavlov's dog where everyone associates me with Lifetime.
      That doesn't sound like a good thing.....lol.
      I'm here every week for you! :)

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  14. This reminds me of the book The Pilot's Wife. A dude had a whole other family that was discovered after he croaked. Intense stuff.

    I want to see Antman!

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    1. You will love it!! It's action packed and funny! Go this weekend!

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  15. Another one I am glad I missed LOL! If I have to have back surgery I might be watching a whole lot of lifetime and netflix though ;)

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    1. Oh we just started Vampire Diaries on Netflix!! You should check it out. Xxoo

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  16. Well...I like Lifetime movies. To each their own. 🤗

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    1. Girl, I like them too! I make fun of them out of LOVE. You have no idea how many Lifetime movies got me through lonely Sundays in law school or days when I was home sick. Haha. These things are gems. But laughing at them is part of it all. I respect all the people involved in these movies. Damn, I'd love to be a writer for some one day! :)

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