August 12, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Bogus Journey: Fatal Memories



If you read #MaddiethePug's post this week Hotel For Pugs, Or #MaddiethePug's Excellent PugVenture, you know that Military Husband and I were able to enjoy a getaway this past weekend. Military Husband has been working crazy hours, and the mini-vacay was well needed and deserved. On Saturday night, the television was on while we both got ready for dinner and my husband was all:

Military Husband: Oh. I bet you are missing this already.

Me: My hair extensions? I cannot believe I forgot them.

Editor's Note: We were totally in a hurry to pack, and of course, I forgot my stink juice (also known as YSL Manifesto Perfume) and my hair extensions. Miss Ratchet USA without her weave? Hell to the NO. I was so pissed. I know, I know:


Military Husband: No. You do not need weave. I mean THIS.

Suddenly, I realized that "THIS" was "it" and Military Husband had "it" on television.

You know, The LMN. And I do not mean "Love My Ninja."


That would be way, WAY cooler than this:



Lifetime's Saturday night movie "Fatal Memories," filmed in Canada, starring Canadians. Some of you may be wondering how I know so much about our friends to the North. Well, you see, when Mili Wifey was elementary school age, the teacher would turn on the television in our classroom every morning before class began. There were announcements, #themoreyouknow and #justsaynotodrugs ads and a short television show starring teenagers with outdated clothes, bad hair and strange accents better known as Degrassi Junior High. I am talking about PRE-Drake Degrassi, folks.

Really bad Canadian 80s Degrassi.



The Kanooks really messed with my childhood. Now, I have Lifetime. The vicious circle NEVER.ENDS.

As you know, I like to give a summary of the plot for those of you who like to eat all the marshmallows first from your bowl of Lucky Charms cereal. Basically:


Ever since M. Night Shamalamadingdong arrived in Hollywood, the plot twist has been done, and done, and done, AND done to death. Every movie has to have a twist, and most of the ones in today's movies are not very original, interesting or ambiguous, to say the least. Whether it is a hooker dwarf plot device, the "wind" is trying to kill Marky Mark or a brat is seeing dead people, a lame plot twist is always in the mix in a poor script. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by a dumber than fuck plot twist?

Or better yet:


The plot twist in "Fatal Memories" is so transparent, I literally #couldnoteven. It was an absolute snooze fest. I get more excited waiting for #MaddiethePug to drop one of her nougies.



At least, #MaddiethePug performs an orchestrated dance to drop her poo in a designated pug approved area. Lifetime? Le Shit Storm-eth.

But truly, I digress.

We open "Fatal Memories" with Sutton Roberts arriving at her mother's house. She calls out for her mom and her 18 year old sister, April, for awhile and then, this happens:


Looks like the prop guys have pulled out Ye Olde Kitchen Knife and raspberry jam from Double Daddy. This, of course, means a murder is a happening and the Lifetime Police Department is ready to solve the crime. April is arrested immediately and taken off in the Lifetime Paddy Wagon straight to Hellish Script Central. The lead moron Detective is Whitaker, an old rival of Sutton's:

She looks SUPER official with that pistol shoved downwards towards her vajayjay.
#bluelightlife #straightouttaLifetime

Whitaker is extra professional, like all Lifetime cops, always carrying around her own personal cameraman/paparazzi every single time she shows up to investigate a crime scene.

 #whatwouldPerezHiltondo 

Seriously, Lifetime writers? On what planet is this normal? Including our fellow friends on Planet Canada? The Lifetime Script O'Matic is really stretching with this one.

Anyhoo, a year passes in Lifetime Land, and April has been locked up in the kookoo bin because she was unfit to stand trial. One day, Sutton brings April home to live with she and her husband, Glen. April cannot remember any of the details of her mother's murder, and even though she was the only one home, holding the bloody knife, covered in blood, kneeling over her mother's dead body, Sutton is 100% convinced April had nothing to do with the crime. The next day, that pesky Whitaker shows up on Sutton's doorstep with a grand jury summons. The Lifetime PD is reopening the case against April. Sutton wants to help April, so she takes her back to the scene of the crime to see if she can jog April's memory.

And then, this happens:

The Lifetime Makeup Department has given Kevin McNulty a serious #cakeface.
#ormaybehesbornwithit

Out of nowhere, April's stepfather, Orly Chambers appears. He will be doing this frequently throughout the film, making it extremely transparent he is the ACTUAL killer acting extremely suspicious. Seeing him freaks April out, and she and Sutton return home. Orly's creepy appearance, visiting the crime scene and seeing a room Sutton built filled with clues and articles on the crime causes April to go all:


Why, you ask? #Lifetimepsychodoinpsychothangs #youalreadyknow

Orly is quick to pop up into the picture AGAIN and let Sutton know that April had aggressive "outbursts" conveniently right before the murder. Despite all this, including a pending murder trial, Sutton wants to have a special surprise birthday party for April. At the party, Orly gives April some book that she will repeatedly be reading throughout the movie (DING DING DING: LIFETIME CLUE ALERT!!) and keys to his old car as birthday gifts. That same night, Sutton and Glen decide to go to a movie and April volunteers they use her car since it is blocking Glen's car. They do, and immediately, the brakes fail in the car causing them to crash.

#thatshitwascray #airbagsonfleek

In by far one of the worst acting moments in Lifetime Movie history, Sutton screams "what's wrong" and Glen starts channeling in his inner Vicki the Robot by repeating over and over in a monotone voice:

"No Brakes. No Brakes. No Brakes. No Brakes."

Sutton: "What happened?"

Glen: "No Brakes. Robot Cannot Compute."

By this point, this is me watching "Fatal Memories":


Of course, the Lifetime PD, which means Whitaker and her camera man, show up and immediately start accusing April of cutting the brake line. Despite the fact that Orly had JUST given her this old car and claimed he had a mechanic "check it for safety." But Whitaker is a Lifetime cop, and her investigation expertise go about as far as checking for a strange noise in the dark woods with no flashlight at Camp Crystal Lake. Nevertheless, Glen and Sutton get into a huge argument over April and Glen ends up heading to his office to work. That very night, someone locks Glen in his office and pours carbon monoxide through the vent which causes this to happen:

Glen assumes the "Lifetime Position." #ishedeadornah

Coincidentally, within seconds of Glen's carbon monoxide encounter, Orly calls Sutton to let her know that April was not home when he called #soooooo Sutton might need to get suspicious she is up to #terriblethings. Sutton heads to Glen's office after repeated attempts to call his cell phone, and finds him on the ground unconscious. Glen is hospitalized in a coma and, of course, Orly shows up AGAIN to point the blame at April in a nonchalant way.

NEWSFLASH SUTTON: ORLY IS SHADY AS FUCK.

But Sutton is all:


Because she is a Lifetime Wife and Lifetime Wives are either 1) psychos or 2) morons or 3) all of the above.

Sutton calls Dr. Malik who is supposed to be treating April for her "problems" and learns April has not been attending sessions anymore. Dr. Malik hypnotizes April to try and jog her memory again. Meanwhile, Sutton finds Glen's cell phone at his work and it is filled with strange texts from someone who goes by the street name "Panache."

Still on that 3G swerve in Canada.

Instead of going through Glen's contacts and calling "Panache" to find out who he/she is or handing the phone number over to the Lifetime PD for further investigation or texting "Panache" pretending to be Glen and meeting up with him/her like "What Up P Nachey? Did you kill my homeboy Glen?" or anything else someone with the brain the size of gecko's would do, Sutton googles "Panache" and finds nothing and then is like, "oh well." Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all disbelief of plausible logistics. 

Guys, this movie is so whack, I am like:


But let's press on.

Then, Sutton sees Whitaker's cameraman Connor and asks him if he is any good at hacking. Because all Canadian paparazzi are apparently expert hackers, Connor immediately says "step into my office" and they head back into his van where he hacks the phone and tells Sutton the number belongs to a "June Miller." Instead of calling this "June Miller," Sutton is like, "oh well" and heads back to the scene of the crime where she is supposed to meet Orly. However, Orly calls and tells Sutton he has to fly out of town to France that evening so she heads home. At the same time, April is already home running on the treadmill and someone, *cough cough* Orly, is slipping a roofie in her drink.

This better be good, Lifetime. 

Once Sutton arrives, Orly pops up like he has through this entire movie and claims he forgot his "book" that he gave April as a birthday present. Sutton sees this:


And is all "OMG, ORLY IS THE TWIST! I never could have imagined. Like, duh." Which has me like:


Sutton runs from Orly and finds April in the bathroom passed out cold. Orly runs after her with a knife, and grabs a shower curtain to strangle her to death.


A struggle ensues and then, this happens:

Where's Life Alert when you need it, Orly.

Because literally, Orly is like in his 70s, so you know:


Connor narrates the next section of the movie stating that Orly lost all his wife's money in a bad investment and defrauded some foreign investors so he killed his wife. And he used GHB, the date rape drug, to control April because she "found out." Found out what exactly? And why did he use GHB? I thought that stuff made you black out so sickos and pervs could do the nasty with you while you were unconscious. It causes you to grab a knife, cover yourself in blood and stand over your dead mother's body, too? 


Anyhoo, Glen wakes up from his coma miraculously minutes before the movie closes. Sutton, Glen and April all eat dinner together and Sutton lets them know she is pregnant so they all live happily ever after in Lifetime Land.

Except for Orly and the mom because, you know, they are like dead and stuff.

And rollllllll credits.

Did you watch "Fatal Memories"? Have you ever fallen victim to a lame plot twist? Let me know in the comments below!

I keep watching the Lifetime Turds spin around the bowl so you can flush, and I am,

36 comments:

  1. We did watch that movie.....sometimes we like Lifetime but mostly our real life dramas keep us busy enuf!
    stella rose

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    Replies
    1. Oh same! How did you like it? I thought it was one of the worst this year!! Speaking of, I'll be having a Lifetime Awards Show towards the end of the year..to award these folks with their very own pug nougies. The Nougies! xxoo

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  2. I want to watch the Maddie hafting a poop movie!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx
    PeeS Do you get to see Death in Paradise on your TeeVees? I is not sure what BBC programmes you get in the US

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    Replies
    1. We get a couple of BBC Networks actually! I'll have to look tonight. I love the British shows. Side note: I have family in Swanage, England. My great uncle married a Brit while he was serving in WWII (kia 1944).

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  3. Seriously, I have to wonder about the Lifetime writers sometimes. Are they high? Drunk? Both?

    I haven't been watching Lifetime movies lately since Tom has returned home. They frighten him.

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    1. My husband puts his headphones on when I watch! I have no one to at least commiserate with me...except you guys.
      This one was such crap. But next week...wait for it...Sugarbabies!

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  4. *snort* The Lifetime writers have got to be on crack or something.

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    1. Lmao. I mean this crap wouldn't even be good if you were high.

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  5. I just can't even watch life time movies. They are almost all beyond stupid.

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    1. But but but...Full House Unauthorized Story in 2 weeks! It's gonna be great. And by great I mean steaming pile of caca.

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  6. Ahh Degrassi was on my tv when I was younger... I didn't even realize Drake was on the cast until recently. HA But yeah, I used to watch pre-Drake Degrassi. hjaha

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    1. That show was so lame! Lol! Oh yeah Drake= Jimmy in the wheelchair!!

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  7. OMD, i was a 21 Jumpstreet gal! Hey! Don't judge! Those cops could TOTALLY pull off bein' high schoolers!
    I missed this Lifetime treasure...I thinks I'm gonna TIVO the next one though...I gots to waste two hours of my life! ☺
    Okays, the Pug Poopie circle is hilarious! Ma had an Irish Terrier that would do that forevers!!! In the pouring rain! At 3am!!! See..I'm just a dream compared to that! hehehehe
    Anyhu, I bets the Pug Poopie Movie would gets better ratings....just sayin'
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    Replies
    1. Right? Who wants to see #MaddiethePug's nougies? Everyone if it is up against Lifetime!
      Please TIVO next week's movie. It's called Sugar Babies. And you know that shit is gonna be cray cray. I will be here recaping it ALL! Dirty old men and skanks? Oh yes, that is Lifetime GOLD. Hahahahaha! Grab your margaritas!

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  8. And once again, I'm saved from watching a Lifetime movie by your brilliant recap. How do they keep coming up with this stuff?

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  9. I darn near choked of laughter, especially from the M. Night Shamalamadingdong line. After your narrations, I'll never look at another Lifetime movie the same again!

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    1. Hahahaha!
      Oh man, M. Night is the worst. The wind trying to kill Marky Mark....puhleeze.

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  10. WHOA MY SIS WAS A 21 JUMP STREET FAN(ny) way back when.
    hugs madi your bfff

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  11. Oh dear lord I don't know if I would have made it through that one ;) I am going to be home all day today so maybe I will catch a couple Lifetime movies.

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    1. It was bad. I don't recommend this one at all. One of the worst I have seen in awhile!
      My husband says I say that every time, but really tho!

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  12. I refuse to watch Lifetime movies because it would spoil your reviews for me. I appreciate you taking the bullet for me! Hahaha!

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  13. I watched Degrassi as a kid! It was on PBS--I had a black and white TV in my bedroom that only got the big networks and PBS...so it was something to watch when nothing else was on. Now they just fly all the American actors up to Canada to shoot Lifetime movies because it's cheaper. (Something I learned from reading Jennie Garth's and Tori Spelling's biographies!)

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    1. Yes! That's exactly right.
      However, a good portion of these actors now are Canadian. I think almost everyone in this movie was!

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  14. Your review is hilarious! I think I'd rather watch Maddie's poop dance!

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  15. OMD...I'm still laughing!!! This is why I don't have cable anymore! BOL!!!

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    1. I'm beginning to wonder why we have cable still! Xxoo

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  16. I tell mum not to watch those bad Lifetime movies cos your reviews recap the whole plot and are MUCH better. Maybe I will let her watch the Unauthorized Full House thingie though (or at least record it on the DVR!). That may be interesting. Luv luv luved Maddies' poop movie, tho!!!

    ttfn and toodle pip

    Cookie

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    1. Yes to a Maddies poop movie!! Pugs Poop: Starring #MaddiethePug

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  17. dear lord, so funny. Every time you use a HIMYM gif- my heart is so happy! lol

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    1. Aw well that makes ME happy!
      Remember I may not have been to the moon, but I've been to the smoon (SNASA).

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