August 25, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Afterlife: The Unauthorized Full House Story



On Friday night, Military Husband and I watched Straight Outta Compton, the biopic on the rise to fame of rappers Ice T, Easy E and Dr. Dre of NWA. We both agreed it was excellent and not only did a good job portraying the era in which the events occurred, but helped humanize the stories of these legendary artists in music history. I highly suggest you see this movie if get the chance.

Such a fitting film choice for the weekend. A "good" biopic which was a stark comparison to this:


I feel I should preface this recap with an important "Mili Wifey Fact" - I hated "Full House." I know, I KNOW, some of you are gaga over this show. But me, well, I despised it with a passion largely for two reasons: 1) The Olsen Twins: sorry folks, I was not impressed with two Hollywood stunt babies repeating lines that were thrown off camera to them, not to mention BARF; and 2) John Stamos. Let's forget the fact that John Stamos could not act his way out of a paper bag when this show began. Let's talk about John Stamos and his long standing butt buddy partnership friendship with THE biggest asshole in music history, Mike Love. Mike Love who is responsible for that god forsaken "Kokomo," John Stamos playing in the "Beach Boys" since the mid-80s and now, has green lighted John Stamos to write a musical using all the Beach Boys music. I repeat, Mike Love, the man who should get absolutely NO CREDIT in creating of any of the Beach Boys music (outside of his menial contribution of an "mmbop" in Good Vibrations or "goodnight my baby, sleep tight my baby" in Wouldn't It Be Nice), but because of his vast thievery control over the music is allowing John Stamos to make a musical. 

Every episode with John Stamos doing his "Jesse and the Rippers" gig made me physically ill. I loathe him He sucks monkey balls.


But truly, TRULY, I digress.

"The Unauthorized Full House Story" was bad on so many, many levels. First, there was the casting. Unlike the great casting in Straight Outta Compton, where at times I felt like there was a camera inside the homes and studio and I was watching all of these people live out their stories in a movie, this was right up there with the casting of Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett and Keanu Reeves as Buddha.

What was up with Keanu's guy liner?
#Namastenono

Then, there were the folks at The Lifetime Studio, straight outta Ottawa, totally blowing it when it came to the Full House set, the age of the Olsen Twins when they auditioned for the show, DJ's prom dress and completely ignoring Comet.

Poor Comet. Still upstaged by Stunt Baby No 1. and 2. 

But worst of all was the portrayal of Bob Saget by Garrett Brawith.

And I thought my weave was ratchet. #butthatwigtho

Although his routine is a bit "raunchy," Bob Saget actually is a funny guy. On the other hand, the Lifetime Bob Saget is painfully awkward and creepy. The real Bob Saget is a talented comedian who made millions believe he was nice guy Danny Tanner for years. The Lifetime Bob Saget is wielding finger guns on set and molesting a mannequin. The whole movie I was like:


Le Sigh.

The "Unauthorized Full House Story" begins in 1987 during the filming of one of the first seasons of "Full House." Immediately, we flashback to two years earlier in Lifetime Land when Bob Saget was working the comedy club circuit. To hammer it home that Bob's routine was adult-oriented, Bob is doing a joke about tampons that is well beyond cringeworthy. A funny about tampons? And we are only a few minutes into this sack of elephant turds movie? It was like:


No, not even. More like:


Anyhoo, we next meet Dave Coulier who tells Bob he was asked to join the SNL cast. And he was asked on Planet No Chance In Hell in You're High Galaxy, I presume. Ah, an intern writer's wheels are a' grinding at Lifetime.


He gets a call not too long after this conversation takes place that SNL is no longer interested. #shocker

At or around the same time, we see a young John Stamos complaining about being just another pretty face in Hollywood and Bob is back home discussing whether to take a morning show gig on CBS to support he and his pregnant wife. Guys, these three need a Hollywood miracle, and at the same time, somewhere in ABC Studios, Jeff Franklin is about to make that happen. Just forget the fact that Bob Saget was already a REAL comedian, who had worked alongside Richard Pryor, Garry Shandling and Rodney Dangerfield. Nope, in Lifetime Land, Bob was desperate.

In the meantime, Bob's wife Sherri has their baby and Bob makes a joke to HIS SISTER that his new infant will starve because he will be busy feeding off his wife's newly improved "knockers." And again, I am like:

Please stop "Bob." For the love of all things holy. Please?

Back over at ABC, Franklin and the execs are busy casting "Full House." Candace Cameron blows her audition for DJ, but decides to barge back in the casting office proclaiming she would "make a great DJ." 

Do you know who my brother is? #prettymuchyourwholenetwork

Her performance the second time was glorious, and of course, she gets the role. The Olsen Twins happen to be hanging out in the casting lounge at the same time. Franklin sees them and immediately asks their names, and the twins are all, "HELLO you hack, show us the money."


Forget about the fact that the twins were only 6 months old when they were cast in 1987. Why? Because this is Lifetime and we must suspend all disbelief of plausible logistics. Are we learning yet, people?

Later on, Bob gets fired from the morning show and Franklin picks him up to replace some guy named John Posey who played the original Danny Tanner in the unaired pilot. I did a little "Lifetime Research" on Mr. Posey, and while I do not remember him, I instantly recognized his son, Tyler Posey, who plays Scott on MTV's "Teen Wolf."

#themoreyouknow #Lifetimeeducationonfleek

"Full House" begins with mediocre success on ABC. And then there is Bob, or "Lifetime Bob," who loathes his role as Danny Tanner and continues to make off color jokes on set which pisses off all the child actors' mothers. With all that aside, the show is picked up for another season #yetanothershocker. Franklin boasts the new season will have "more emotional episodes" and will bring lots of twists and turns.

Right. Episodes like Stephanie attempting to break a hula hoop record to get attention and Danny potty training Michelle are just riveting nail biters.


A few other highlights from Season 2 include:

1) Lori Loughlin is added to the cast and it is revealed she and Stamos once dated. Loughlin tweeted Saturday night: "Lifetime film has taken a lot of liberties. The storyline between John and I is false."


2) Lines were being thrown to the Olsen twins from behind the couch. Franklin tweeted Saturday night: "And nobody hid behind the couch whispering lines to the twins. We hid behind the other actors!"

3) Bob Saget was offered America's Funniest Home Videos and he was pissed. He was also still pissed about being on Full House. Bob Saget, himself, has said that he WANTED to be on a hit sitcom. He has NOTHING but love for Full House, he just did not want to be constantly associated with the character of Danny Tanner. But Lifetime is insistent on making "Pissed off Bob" happen. 

4) Bob suggests his character of Danny Tanner get killed off by a "lethal case of VD from a seven-foot hooker." I do not make this stuff up, folks.

5) There is a ridiculous scene of the cast frolicking around set that lasts FOREVER as Jesse and the Rippers plays Kool and The Gang's Celebration. It goes on and on and on and ON until the point I was all:


Seriously.

6) Bob's wife Sherri is pregnant with twins. Sherri was also an attorney, but you will never hear or see anything about that or anything else that does not involve Sherri popping kids out of her hoo ha, folding laundry or whining.

7) Bob, out of all the cast members, gets loads of fan mail. I am talking BAGS UPON BAGS. Because, you know, the kids were wild over Danny Tanner.


8) Dave Coulier is just as annoying in this movie as he is on "Full House." He constantly farts on set to be "funny." Speaking of, Military Husband hates Dave Coulier. 

Me: "The Unauthorized Full House Story" is on tonight.

Military Husband: Is that guy, that dumbass going to be in this too?

Me: Dave Coulier?

Military Husband: Yeah, him with the "cut it out." Drove me fucking nuts.

Coulier: Another "gift" from Canada.

We press onward to 1990, and Dave is getting married, the Olsen Twins are making television movies, DVDS and selling merchandise and John Stamos is dating Paula Abdul. Bob is still pissed, per usual, and decides to play Chester Molester with a stage mannequin on set. He dances with the mannequin, sweet talks the mannequin and gets further than you probably did with your prom date with the mannequin.

Bob getting frisky with his mannequin.

Franklin sees Bob's performance and yells at him. Franklin also tweeted Saturday night: "And for the record, I never had a fight with Bob Saget."

Who cares, but hey, Franklin, did Bob go all the way with the mannequin? That is what we all REALLY want to know.


And skipping onwards again to 1993, the year yours truly graduated from high school, Bob and Dave are goofing around backstage in the prop room during a filming. John comes in whining about the children "taking too long" during filming (Fun Fact: John tried to get the Olsen twins fired for not being professional enough babies) which leads to Bob encouraging a round of Whip-its with spray cans of whipped cream. According to Bob Saget's book Dirty Daddy: The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian, this is actually a true story and the cans were in the prop room to be used during Michelle's birthday party. 

I was gonna be a sitcom dad, but then I got high.

Later on, we see Bob pissed again because he has to leave his own children to work on the show, and, more importantly, the Olsen Twins are taking all the attention away from him. To make matters worse, Bob's sister dies of scleroderma which should have been a sad, pivotal moment in Bob's career (after all, it inspired him to direct a movie about her life). Instead, Lifetime shows Bob heading back to work the next day like nothing happened and we are treated to another round of one of Jesse and the Rippers musical numbers, "Knocking on Heaven's Door." I do not know what is worse, the singing or this hellacious wig:

Dude, you KNOW you got to lock a lace front wig down. #ratchettips


Soon after, bad news arrives for the cast of "Full House." Franklin is leaving the show to place all his focus on "Hanging with Mr. Cooper." This actually made a lot of sense if you watched the last few seasons of "Full House." Even as a non-fan of the show, I recognized the show lost a lot of the "magic" it once had towards the end. 

After a few more boring scenes involving the actors personal lives, the show is cancelled and there are lots of tears and "whys" when all I could think was you had a hit show for eight years, which is a lifetime (no pun intended) in television. And they still were averaging 11 million viewers an episode at cancellation. 

The last episode is shown and DJ is off to prom looking like this:


When she actually looked like this:


Could the Lifetime writers at least have watched the finale of "Full House"? It is as if they do not even care. And if they are not going to try anymore, then neither am I, dammit.


In conclusion, Saget returns to his standup comedy routine and Sherri files for divorce, John Stamos goes on to Broadway and marries Rebecca Romijn and Candace Cameron marries Val Bure. And Dave? Well, he gives us one last fart at Candace's wedding to remind us how much this shit movie stunk.

I apologize that this recap was not my usual Laugh Factory, but by far, this was the WORST of Lifetime's biopics. The Brittany Murphy Story was kind of icky, but not as horrible as this Full House garbage, and I really did not mind the Aayliah movie, despite all the bad press it received. 

I mean, ok, it could have used MORE R Kelly.


There can never be too much R Kelly.

Did you watch "The Unauthorized Full House Story"? Will you be watching "Fuller House" on Netflix in 2016? Let me know in the comments below!

I was trapped in the closet with Lifetime's "Bob" all for you, and I am still,

49 comments:

  1. I'm not sure how you sat through the entire movie, and I haven't even watched it! I was neither here nor there with Full House when it was on TV. Didn't hate it, didn't love it. Although I have to agree with your hubby, Dave Coulier was downright annoying.
    This is definitely a movie I have no interest in watching. Not even if I was drunk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omgosh it was SO painful!! Ugh!! Seriously thought I was going to die. There's not enough booze in the world to make that crap good!

      Delete
  2. Sorry, but I loved Full House. I had just moved to the States and to me that is what the US was all about. Haha Sort of joking but not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! That's ok! I loved Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Still do!!

      Delete
  3. Hehe, I luffs it when you really, really don't like a film (well apart from the fact it saves me sitting through a rubbish film!) I do luffs your witty critic of it!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. My kid turns Full House on once a week and I leave the room. How's that? I have a post out tomorrow in your honor. xo Amanda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! Oh god I don't blame you. But hey that show still has staying power after all this time with kids. Unbelievable!! Xxoo

      Delete
  5. Mom almost dvd'd it...glad she didn't waste her time....now she can spend it on ME!!
    Thanks for the honest review!!
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! Total waste of time!! So glad she didn't. Never watch a Lifetime movie without asking me if it was good first! lol

      Delete
  6. Full House was not my favourite in the 90s and there's no way I'm going to watch it now. Also, what's with Perez Hilton being in the Full House Musical.....who makes a Full House Musical?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sounds painful! The original show was not one of my favorites either and the movie sounds a whole lot worse! Funny review.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad others agreed that show stunk!! I hated it!

      Delete
  8. Mum thought about watching or recording it but decided not to. After reading your recap we are REALLY glad that she didn't do either!!!

    Thnanks again for your review

    ttfn and toodle pip

    Cookie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was so not good. I was miserable!! Lol

      Delete
  9. Thanks for the recap. You just saved me two hours. :) You're so funny too!
    Honestly, I loved Full House. I was so addicted to that show. I also had a crush on John Stamos.
    However, Candace Cameron airing her religious views on daytime TV does NOT make me want to see Fuller House.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw that also. That's a strange family...and you know, growing up I had a crush on Kirk Cameron. So so strange!
      I also had a massive crush on Jason Bateman! And he's still awesome, so there's that! Teen Bop pics on the wall for the win!!

      Delete
  10. Hahaha I couldn't bring myself to watch it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg consider yourself lucky! Seriously at least the Aaliyah story had R Kelly acting a fool.

      Delete
  11. I DVR'ed it and now I can't wait to see it, since I do love to watch the worst there is for entertainment...as long as the forward button works on the remote. That was a great review!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you!! And I hope you find it more tolerable than I did. Fast forward is your friend!! Xxoo

      Delete
  12. It was so awful. I was like, "WTF?" Especially when the twins were so old in the beginning. The set was all wrong. EVERYTHING was all wrong. Blah.

    I love Full house though. I'm looking forward to Fuller House next year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh the set was like wowwwwwww did they even watch the show? Ever? And they forgot the whole Michelle amnesia storyline at the finale!

      Delete
  13. I think I only watched this show when we lived overseas and were desperate to watch American TV and AFN was the only channel we got. I think your write-up of the "biopic" was way more entertaining. :)
    Ah. The Olson twins. Remember those "troll" dolls? (http://www.imisstheoldschool.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/good-luck-troll-dolls-movie-film.jpg) Seriously.
    KZK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmfaooooo identical!!!
      And they are not cute at all now.
      Nope. Not at all!

      Delete
  14. Like you, I never liked Full House. I remember it being on when I was in college, but I didn't watch that TGIF crap--wasn't it part of that? I was out having a social life! What I did see of the show (accidentally) was cheesy and annoying. But I saw a picture of this Lifetime movie and the stairs were on the wrong side of the room. Even as little as I know about the show, I know that's all wrong! The stairs were to the left of the set, right? The kitchen and back door were to the right. And John Stamos recently called Lori Laughlin "the one that got away," but both of them made it clear that at every time that they knew each other, one or the other of them were either married or in serious relationships. They said that before the movie. Why do a movie like this if you aren't going to get the most basic of facts right? I don't get it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because it's Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all disbelief of plausible logistics!! And it's the intern writers at it AGAIN!!
      So so so awful lol.

      Delete
  15. That show was seriously painful to watch. But I prefer "Top Gear" and "Red Green" to most Lifetime movies, so I probably shouldn't be one to talk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was crappppppp!!!
      Lol. And the movie was worse.

      Delete
  16. LOL! Glad you liked Straight Outta Compton, though - I want to see that!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have been waiting for this to come on Lifetime so that YOU could watch it and tell me how awful it was! You did not disappoint! ROFL!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yay! I'm so glad you watched this for us :)! I heard it was terrible, and it is now confirmed. Thank you! My son saw Straight Outta Compton and said it was SO good!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We loved it!!!
      And yeah, Full House Lifetime Style totally blew.

      Delete
  19. I totally forgot this was on!!! Your recaps are always way more entertaining anyway!! And R.Kelly....hahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yesssssss R Kelly, the original sexasaurus!! Lol

      Delete
    2. Sexasaurus...LOL...immediately adding this to my vocabulary!!!!

      Delete
  20. OMG. I loved full house- seriously I was obsessed. We still watch re-runs lol. This movie though-yikes, also "fix it Jesus" I am laughing so hard. I adore these movie reviews. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just awful! One of Lifetimes worst! Military Husband says I say that every week tho.
      Haha.

      Delete
  21. I thought I must be the only one. I watched one of the early shows and thought, this show won't last. Couldn't believe it went on for years!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omgoodness, no. Lol. This show was so ridiculous and annoying to me. All of it so campy, cheesy, etc.
      I hated Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, the Olsens, the Stephanie chick, DJ and that stupid Kimmy Gibbler.
      I was so glad it went off the air!! Hahaha

      Delete
  22. omg - I didn't realize this show aired. I admit I used to watch full house from time to time. yes, so cheesy =).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes girl! I suffered through it! lol

      Delete
  23. You should review "House Of Secrets". Best movie ever! My favorite part is how there's a badly hidden dead body next to the main character and she doesn't notice! And, yes, Lifetime made it of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was on last night. With Bianca Lawson right? I'll get to them all eventually!! Lol
      Xxooo

      Delete
  24. LMAO #Namastenono & that fix it Jesus GIF!!! I think I will stick to watching the Straight Outta Compton movie ;)

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment & I'll comment back!
If you're new, make sure you leave a link to your blog so I can check it out! :)