July 28, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Reloaded: Lost Boy



Greetings and Salutations, friends.  Time again for another Lifetime Saturday night movie recap and boy, are you all in for a steaming pile of cow shit masterpiece. To be perfectly honest, Military Husband worked so many long hours last week, I thought about passing on the Lifetime movie last Saturday night to spend time with him. Besides, the Lifetime plot device this week was "missing child," which always leads to the "hysterical, annoying, whiny mother" device which just sounded like a big fat #nahhhh.

BUT alas, Military husband reminded me of the importance of these recaps.

Husband: OH. You have to watch your movie. For THE PEOPLE. You know, YOUR PEOPLE.


And then I realized, oh NO, this has become a regular "thing," a habitual routine of sorts, and the kind I would rather not talk about in public, like cleaning out my ear wax or wiping up pug nose boogies.


#Great.

Let's dive right into this one, shall we.


"Lost Boy," filmed in, say it with me everybody, CANADA, stars Virginia Madsen, who also starred in one of my favorite horror films as a child, "Candyman."


And now, she looks like this:


The only thing scarier than Candyman is having a face that does not move. Side note, because there is ALWAYS a side note, I never really understood "Candyman." I mean, the gist of the movie was if you did not fucketh with the Candyman, he did not fucketh back with you. But someone HAS to go and say his name three times. Makes no sense! Also, do these women in Hollywood know how scary their plastic surgery looks?  Because her face makes Candyman look like Doc McStuffins.


But truly, I digress.

As always, I like to give you the plot of the films in case you are like me, and eat the peanut butter before the Reese's chocolate cup.  Let me first start by saying this entire movie pissed me off like no other Lifetime movie ever has before. I have not been this angry since Taco Bell removed the cookie sandwich off its menu.  

Even though it did taste a bit like a quesarito with an icing filing.

I have not been this enraged since Otis's Try a Little Tenderness was used in a McDonald's chicken tenders commercial. 

What is next, Nirvana's "Come as You Are" in a diarrhea medication ad?

I have not been this angry since I went to see a horror movie and the "plot twist" was the evil little girl was actually a pissed off 33 year old dwarf hooker.  Wait a minute....


And there you have the plot.  Except there is no dwarf hooker, and we never really find out any answers. Lifetime, I hate you.

Let's press on. Laura Harris has been searching for her missing son Mitchell for the past nine years. Laura's entire life is devoted to Mitchell. She started a charitable missing child help center called the "Mitchell Harris Center," she opens "Mitchell Harris Park," she makes Mitchell "Find Me" flyers and posts them everywhere and she has to regularly head to the police station to identify bodies that are NOT Mitchell.  Mitchell's twin sister Summer, eight year old brother Jonathan and dad Greg are totally over hearing about Mitchell.  


Right. Well, lo and behold, "Mitchell," a homeless teenager, sees a flyer of himself on a telephone pole in Canada and decides to surprise Laura.  Of course, we really are not sure if this is "Mitchell" or not because Lifetime makes sure to make it ambiguous as hell (more to follow). "Mitchell" researches the "Mitchell Harris Story" online, stalks Summer, Jonathan and Laura and gives himself a haircut, followed by a peroxide bath, to make himself look more "Mitchell."

#isitMitchellornahhhh #askmeifigiveafuck

Laura is curious as to where "Mitchell" has been all these years and questions him over lunch. Instead of taking her son that she has not seen in nine years to a decent restaurant, or even sending out for Domino's, she hits up the vending machine at work for a pack of Lance's cheese and crackers.

Mitchell, your mom sucks. 
#governmentcheeseforyou #eatingfancy #youalreadyknow

Laura takes "Mitchell" home where he meets his family and finds his room to be exactly the same as was when "he" was a child. They all eat dinner and pose for a family picture. Everyone except Amanda, who is Greg's girlfriend, and also pregnant. Oh. #BTW. Greg took up playing hide the salami with Amanda years ago when he got sick and tired of Laura worrying about their missing son. I mean, the nerve of her. Nothing gets between Greg and his libido.


Amanda, that nosy little home wrecker, thinks "Mitchell" should take a DNA test to prove he is really "Mitchell," and Laura immediately comes to his defense. Summer asks "Mitchell" about a birthmark they both have on their shoulders, and Mitchell says he covered it up with a tattoo. Laura is still defending "Mitchell" as being her son because you know it was mighty convenient the cast of Miami Ink were Mitchell's kidnappers and all. Nevertheless, "Mitchell" agrees to get a DNA test the next day.

By commercial time, I have flipped over to a hoodrat attempting to pawn off her gold teeth on Hardcore Pawn. And it looks SUPER entertaining, not to mention highly intelligent, compared to "Lost Boy." #killmenow


The next morning, the press shows up at the Harris house because the once street dweller "Mitchell," who was also MISSING, AKA NO ONE COULD FIND HIS ASS, FOR NINE YEARS, has posted the family picture to his Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat for all his friends to see.  Hey, remember folks, this is Lifetime and we have to suspend all plausible belief of logistics. Make sure to follow @NOTMitchellOnLifetime for more pics and send snaps to @NOTMitchellinthatshitshowLostBoy. 

Soon after, "Mitchell," Greg and Jonathan all head down to the DNA testing center together. Jonathan is tagging along because they have plans afterwards, but it WILL NOT include water, a lake, an ocean or a kiddie pool since Jonathan cannot swim. #SpoilerAlert, "Someone", cough cough "Mitchell," is gonna try to drown Jonathan. 

Lifetime, you transparent bastard.

At the DNA testing center, "Mitchell" takes Jonathan's blood to switch it for his own, but I guess "Mitchell" has not watched many episodes of Criminal Minds because the lab tech arrives and swabs his and Greg's mouth. So, "Mitchell" grabs a toothpick and swabs Jonathan's mouth and threatens Jonathan so he does not rat "Mitchell" out as a phony.  #Lame.

Where is a hooker dwarf plot device when you need one.

The family has a big cookout to celebrate the DNA results proving "Mitchell" is really "Mitchell." Then, the Lifetime writers piece together several pointless subplots which include: Summer boinking a rando dude she met, "Mitchell" doing the horizontal hula with Beth, Summer's best friend, "Mitchell" getting pissy because Laura is on a date with her co-worker Kyle, Summer getting a tattoo and Summer, Jonathan and "Mitchell" reciting lines from some play called "The Bluebird of Happiness."

None of it made any sense and it bordered on some sort of David Lynch-Twin Peaks weirdness. The writers at Lifetime clearly were working off a bender.


Once the writers sober up, we learn "Mitchell" has been messing with Jonathan, as Laura discovers a bruise on Jonathan's arm. All the while, "Mitchell" is at his dad Greg's office telling his dad about his kidnapping. Apparently, "Mitchell" was forced to take part in a child pornography ring, and eventually, set everyone on fire to escape. #Wowwwwww, you would think this would set off a little bell that perhaps "Mitchell" needs some professional help. But #nahhhhhh. Incidentally, Greg was so busy listening to "Mitchell" he forgot all about Amanda's endometriosis appointment. Oopsie. 

Once "Mitchell" arrives home, Laura accuses him of hurting Jonathan and using Jonathan for the DNA results. Laura wants to go back to the lab the next day for new results. But that rascally "Mitchell" is all:


And Laura swoons, and they have a huge family bonfire to celebrate "Mitchell" being "Mitchell." AGAIN. However, Laura does steal some hair from "Mitchell's" hairbrush to send off to the DNA lab. After the bonfire, "Mitchell," Summer, Summer's rando boyfriend and Beth all head off to hang out at "Mitchell's" former home under the bridge. Summer and her rando start making out and "Mitchell" decides to make it a threesome.


Because this is Lifetime, and Lifetime is ALL about exploiting the #ewwww factor these days, see Flowers In the Attic, Petals on the Wind, If There Be Thorns, Seeds of Yesterday or Sugar Daddies.  

The next morning, Summer, who was super grossed out by "Mitchell's" behavior tells Laura she hates "Mitchell" and "Mitchell" overhears the whole exchange. "Mitchell" grabs Summer and says if she tells on him, he will "cut her pretty little mouth out of her face." Then, Kyle calls Laura to tell her he was attacked the night before and he is pretty certain that it was "Mitchell."


Folks, there is something wrong with "Mitchell."

But, Laura looks at her sweet, loving sociopath and is like....


#Nahhhhhh

The next day, Amanda discovers cigarette burns on Jonathan's body. She immediately blames "Mitchell" and tells him that he does not belong in the family, which leads to this happening:


"Mitchell" shoves Amanda and her unborn fetus down to the ground, tells Jonathan "she pushed me first, you saw it" and is all:


Immediately, "Mitchell" grabs Jonathan and takes him to the lake (I TOLD YOU PEOPLE SO; damn this is more predictable than #MaddiethePug's farts). Apparently, Laura is not as completely brain dead as I thought she was because she figures out "Mitchell" took Jonathan to the lake and follows suit. When Laura arrives, "Mitchell" tells Laura to chose him or Jonathan and Laura launches into her best Mel Gibson imitation:


Virginia Madsen is looking for an Emmy. How cute.


Anyhoo, Laura jumps in the water, rescues Jonathan and "Mitchell" is nowhere to be found. Later on, presumably, we find Laura packing up "Mitchell's" room. Greg tells Laura that Amanda and her fetus are safe and Laura hands Greg an envelope from the DNA Testing Center. Remember the hair from the hairbrush Laura collected? Well, she sent the hair to be tested and FINALLY, we will get the answer we have all been waiting for:

Is "Mitchell" really Mitchell?


BUT THEN, Laura tells Greg she wants to "let him go" and Greg tosses the unopened envelope to the side to hug Laura.  At this point, I am screaming at the screen:

Mili Wifey: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Lifetime, you worthless whore of a network.


Right, well, this movie, I tell you:


I would complain to the network that I want to know if "Mitchell" was the real "Mitchell".....

But #nahhhhhhhh

Did you watch "Lost Boy"?  Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Per usual, Lifetime took another piece of my heart, yeah baby, so yours remains in tact,


38 comments:

  1. Is that you, Mitchell? I hope you sufficiently calmed down about the let down of an ending. Maybe there will be a sequel?!?!?

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    1. Seriously, this movie was such garbage and then to come up with an ending like that?
      I will never get those two hours of my life back.......
      Fuucc...no sequel Julie! Don't curse me with that! LMAO.

      Delete
  2. I luffs reading your reviews!!!!
    Butts, I finks I'll be giving this film a miss!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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    Replies
    1. You missed nothing!! Thanks for reading!! Xxoo

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  3. Oh we did not see that movie...and after reading your review we are glad we missed it!!
    Mom loves the Hallmark Channel movies
    Hugs madi and mom

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    1. My meemaw loves that channel. Xxoo maddiethepug

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  4. Once again, your review is worth it, while it sounds like the movie was not. Too funny!

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  5. You reviews are always awesome!

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  6. Are you kidding? You never found out? You sat through torture and you still don't know??? I want your money back for this one.

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    Replies
    1. Right. Suddenlink should give us a refund really. Haha like that will ever happen.

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  7. These always make me laugh so much.

    And the cookie sandwich from Taco Bell? I liked it, but I preferred the churros. But they removed those too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You and Maddie! She loves churros.
      I hate hate hate how they take stuff off the menu at T Bell!!
      Also. I'm glad these make you giggle. :)

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  8. These reviews are my favorite part of your blog, haha!

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  9. omg. the ending! I have to know!

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  10. I read your entire post, and came away with HOW THE HELL DID I MISS COOKIE SANDWICHES AT TACO BELL?!?!?! #lifeiscruel #bringthembackplease

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    1. Omg you missed them?? Seriously? #girlllllll you can't miss when cookies come on the scene!
      Lol!
      They need to bring them back for real tho.

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    2. I was mad all day about missing these cookies! 100% serious!

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    3. Lmfao! The great american cookie co is better. But it's more expensive. The t bell ones were ONLY like $1.00! You can download their app though and get $3.00 off cookies at the great American cookie co!! I did it last weekend!!

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  11. OMD!!!!! They didn't tell you??!!! Holy crap on a stick!!!! Well, that's two hours of your life you'll never get back! And for what??!!! It's not like they're gonna have LOST BOY II !! (oh God, I hopes i didn't give them any ideas....)
    Anyhu, did someone say chicken tenders??? Yes please!
    Oh, and next time...Maybe a pitcher or two or three of margaritas....it makes all this crap a little easier to watch..or not ☺
    Thanks for watching so I don't! hehehe
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, that movie was just garbage. On another note, I saw a preview for The Unauthorized Full House Story in a commercial. Looks like a great show! And by great show I mean shit show.
      Oh good lord, a vat of vodka wouldn't improve Lifetime! But I do like your drinking game idea. That's got to be a future post.....

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  12. MITCHELL!! Answer me son! Bahahaha! It sounds amazing, but I'm curious about the hooker's gold teeth at the Pawn Stars! ROFL

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    Replies
    1. Lmao. They wouldn't let her pawn them. That was a GREAT episode tho!

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  13. Virginia Madsen is the cousin of one of my really good college friends - and I've also noticed that her face is unmoveable these days. Not sure why they think that looks good. Another great recap - I'll never have to watch another Lifetime movie again!

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    1. Wow, really? I remember seeing her for the first time in Dune, and she was gorgeous. All kidding aside, I give her (and all the Lifetime ladies) mad props for staying in the business this long. Getting a Lifetime contract isn't a bad gig at all. I read an interview with Jenna Dewan and she said those movies are easy to film, the money is good and it's a very comfortable working atmosphere if you have a family.
      Hell, I'd love to write scripts for them! Lifetime, call me!

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  14. Oh Lord...what a convoluted movie. I love your posts. They're HILARIOUS! On a side note...I heard Taco Bell is now serving cream doughnuts breaded with Cap'n Crunch cereal. That may be the Lifetime equivalent of a dessert...

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    1. Oh thank you! Lol :)
      I haven't tried the Cap'n Crunch dessert yet! I must try this!!

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  15. OMG I would be soo ticked! & dang I didn't know Taco hell had cookie sandwiches now I feel like I missed out ;)

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    1. Lol! Yes, they did and they were bombskis. Too bad they are off the menu.

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  16. That is exactly why I'm here I decided to google that worthless movie because I figured I missed something that someone online can explain! I myself was furious at this movie & it's terrible ending. I'm even angrier with my bf for making me watch this stupid movie. I'm so mad I want to press charges on the creators of this piece of shit movie. (I'm writing a letter *white chicks voice*) Two hours of my life dwn the drain.

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    1. Lmfao!! I know!!! Trust me I rewound the movie thinking did I miss something? Nope they just fucked with us!! Lifetime sucks!

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  17. I think we should all demand Lifetime RE-DO the ending, at the very least!!! What an unacceptably stupid movie. But the end was the icing on the cake! HORRIBLE!

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  18. I changed it at the point where the boys were heading out together. I figured that it would probably get worse and I should be doing something pro active, like sleeping.

    Thanks for the realistic synopsis of a movie that reminds me of "The Good Son," only the psychotic teen predator is into prostitution and incest.

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    Replies
    1. Sleeping is always a better choice!! Lol!! Thanks for coming by!!

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