July 14, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network, The New Breed: Lethal Seduction



Hi-dee-ho Campers, it is time for another Lifetime movie recap!  Over the past weekend, I had every intention of watching all the SDCC panels uploaded to YouTube (nope, I was not at comic con, #fail #boo #geekinshame), but instead I turned on the trash just for you. You see, it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it alright, and I say, what do I have to lose?


Seriously, folks. A lengthy, expensive college education wasted on trashy movies. But I give of myself to you so freely, and ask nothing in return. Before we get started, I have organized my reviews into one blog page, in case you missed any. Just check the button on the right hand side of my blog marked "Military Wife and Pug Life's Lifetime Movie Recaps" to read them all.

Let's get started.  Lifetime's Saturday night movie "Lethal Seduction" began all artsy fartsy with the credits rolling over an aquarium scene.

And you guys thought Sharknado was trash. Wait until you get a load of:


By the way, that shark up above had nothing to do with this movie, but apparently, Lifetime was attempting to pull a fast one on the Shark Week fans to lure them in.


This movie had two of my favorite Lifetime characteristics: 1) Teens in peril. I LOVE teens in peril. Lifetime teenagers have it SO hard. #sadface and 2) Psycho women, this time in the form of a Psycho Cougar (are Cougars still a thing?). It also has a lot of s-e-x, and the "Lifetime ewwwwww" kind involving a massive age difference, so if you are prudish and such, or you prefer to just not, time to "X" out of this post and make a food run.


"Lethal Seduction" starred Amanda Detner, who you may remember from Final Destination and Two and Half a Men, playing the neurotic mom. The fact that she is playing the mom is making me feel REALLY old, but:


My husband was all: "Wtf happened to her?"

Oh, what a fall from her days on the cover of Stuff Magazine.


It also stars Dina Meyer, who is what I call the OG psycho seductress, messing with teenage boy's heads since Brandon Walsh. Quite the contrary from Amanda Detner, she looks pretty damn amazing for 46 years old and reminds me that I need to get to a gym, stat.

Dina now and then. She looks fab.

But truly I digress.

Now, for those of you who like to skip ahead to the final chapter of the book, here is what you need to know about the plot of this flick:


For the rest of you tortured souls, let's press on. Mark is a recent high school graduate with good grades and a full scholarship to Princeton. He has little to no experience with women, and it is Mark's 18th birthday. He is a Lifetime teen (meaning, he is an idiot driven only by hormones and caveman like needs) so he really only wants one thing:

(See Lifetime's Double Daddy and Lifetime's Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, for reference.)

But instead, Mark's neurotic, clingy, overprotective mother Tanya throws him a surprise party complete with banner, balloons, cake and an imminent visit from BoBo the balloon making clown.

Mark cannot contain his excitement. And neither can I. 

Later on that evening, Tanya, channeling Carrie White's mom, sends over the local Deacon to the house armed with Bible Trivia when Mark and his buddy Walter try to have sex with entertain two girls.

All boner killing and no play, makes Mark a horny teenage boy.

The next morning, Tanya sends Mark to the hardware store where he meets 40-something Carissa Kensington. Carissa is in the market for a "vibrating shower head" and asks Mark for some advice on which one will service her best.

She's looking for a massaging head. And I don't mean the shower kind. Ba dum dum, tss!

Carissa proceeds to invite Mark over to install the "head" in her "shower," which leads to Carissa in her birthday suit inviting Mark in the shower to play the horizontal hokey pokey.

Carissa channeling her inner R Kelly #goldenshowers #ewwww 

Wow. The writers at Lifetime have gotten really lazy and are mirroring every porn script. How very un-Canadian of them.


The next night, Carissa invites Mark to go on a date to a fancy restaurant. When Mark has a scotch (because that is what teenagers drink these days, wtf?!?), Mark is all shocked he did not get carded. I mean, after all, Carissa doesn't look like she could be his mom or anything. Carissa tells Mark her life accomplishments are living off her ex-husband's money and Mark tells Carissa about his dreams to market a phone app he has designed called, and I am not making this up folks, "My Little Man." At this point my husband is over there like:


Carissa excuses herself to go powder her nose and while she is away, a mysterious waiter comes over and tells Mark to get the hell away from Carissa while he still can. Interestingly, he bares a striking resemblance to someone from the past.

Was that Jason Priestley?


 #thePriest is also Canadian, just like Lifetime movies. #slowclap

Back home, Tanya is pretty pissed Mark has been staying out till all hours of the night and wants to know if Mark is on drugs. She reminds Mark that marijuana is an ILLEGAL DRUG, well, unless it is for medicinal purposes, you are a student at the University of Colorado or you are one of the Lifetime executives in Canada because surely they smoke the toke when they green light these movies. Mark ignores her Mommie Dearest routine and heads back over to Carissa's, where she's buying him clothes and using him as her personal blow up doll by the pool.

Mark also casually asks Carissa what her ex-husband is up to and we learn that to Carissa ex = dead as she cooly replies:

"He's worm food."

#CooCooCaChooMrsKensington

There's a commercial break, which includes ads for Monistat D and a stool softener (Well played, advertisers. Well played.), and we come back to:

Lifetime psycho doin' psycho thangs.

Although, I like to think Dina was imputing her method acting from one of her better roles.

Jigsaw trap >>>> Lifetime shit show

Sadly, this is not a Saw reboot, so we head back to Tanya's who, after going through Mark's phone contacts, has invited Carissa over for dinner. Tanya, Randy (Tanya's coworker who has the hots for Tanya), Mark and Carissa all talk about everything from wineries to stool softeners, but no one brings up the 40 year old elephant in the room. Then, Carissa suggests Mark skip Princeton and become her personal sex toy which sends Tanya into a rage. Carissa storms out and Mark chases after her, finally ending up at the pleasure dome for another round of bouncing the pogo stick in the pool.

This age difference thing is teetering off into Bates Motel territory.

Carissa handcuffs Mark to the pool stairs and since he did not establish a safe word, almost drowns during the horizontal bop. But no matter, all Mark can say is "That was intense!" This is the same Mark, mind you, who no more than a week ago was a virgin, and is now all about the red room of pain.


The next day, Tanya finds an article on Carissa's dead husband and decides to go over to Carissa's and tell the bitch off bring her some baked goods. Carissa calls Tanya a condescending bitch and says something about "screwing Mark's brains out" and all I can think is, careful Carissa, this bitch is armed with muffins and an Oedipus complex.

He wants my muffins, not yours. #eww #yepLifetimewentthere


After Tanya leaves, Carissa asks Mark to move in with her. Mark immediately replies that he is not interested because summer is almost over, this was just a fling and he is heading off to college. Carissa is pissed and sends Mark packing.

No thanks, Cougar Town, but would you like me to assign someone to butter your muffin?

Mrs. Bates Tayna talks to Randy about how to get Mark away from Carissa. Randy does not want to hear about Mark anymore because he wants to bump uglies with Tanya is over Tanya's neuroticism.  He does, however, refer to Carissa as a "siren," a mermaid from folklore who lures sailors to their death and, the Lifetime writers go all literary hipster and pull out some Poseidon references.


Because he is one of the two people in the world who own their own personal Neptune's Trident.


Along with Russell Brand. Again, I repeat, I cannot make this up.

Over in sub-plot land, Tanya invites Mark's high school friend Melanie over for lunch at the Bates Motel.  Because Tanya is desperate to get rid of Carissa and move Mark on to the Melanie train, Tanya acts all:


Mark and Melanie decide to go get ice cream, walk around the park holding hands and, finally, Melanie has to beg Mark for a kiss. This, I remind you, is the same Mark who no more than a night ago was agreeing to life threatening acts of S&M. We also learn that Carissa has been stalking Mark and Melanie because in Lifetime land, all psychos have some sort of GPS on their victims. When Mark, being that gentleman that he is, does not walk Melanie to her car, Carissa corners Melanie and threatens her to never see Mark again or die.  She slices Melanie's face which is #yawn #borednow - look folks, we are nearly one hour and thirty-six minutes into this pile of crap and NO ONE has died yet.

 Girl, forget the knife, do you know where Mark's mouth has been?

The very next day, Mark attempts to contact Melanie to no avail. Tanya heads over to Randy's office again to complain about Mark and Randy is sick of this crazy bitch not having any more of her melodrama. Later, Carissa shows up and corners Randy at his work, offering up her "services" and once again, Neptune's Trident appears in the movie.

Lifetime's set decorators totally found an exciting prop at "Greek God's Home Goods" and they are not passing up an opportunity to use that bad boy.

And let's hear it for cast member Extra #15: Squeegee guy.

That afternoon, Walter, Mark's bestie, shows up at Carissa's and gives her some line about her being a "vintage classic." This sends Carissa's head spinning and that is the last we see of Walter for awhile. Later that evening, Carissa calls Mark and tells him that her IT friend is coming over and wants to hear all about Mark's app idea.  Mark heads over to Carissa's, gives the IT guy the pitch and the IT guy is all, "your app blowwwwsssss."

And so does this movie.

Mark wants to leave after his idea is a #fail, plus he lets Carissa know she was just a "fling." But Carissa suggests they drink some champagne anyway, meaning time to hit Mark over the head with the champagne bottle.  The next time we see Mark, he is a serious #teeninperil.

#50shadesoffuckedup

This is the part where I got confused - I know, I know, NOW I get confused. Is she planning to kill Mark because he will not have sex with her anymore? Are there not other teenage boys out there to seduce? How will she explain the body? Why #deathbysauna? And if #deathbysauna, why not leave him fully clothed? Why does he still have on his boxers? Did those boxers come from Costco? #thingsthatmakeyougowtf


Anyhoo, Tanya is blowing up Mark's phone and Carissa texts her to come over to her house. Tanya arrives and Carissa tells Tanya to put on handcuffs (eww, she used those last on your son) and come with her if Tanya wants to see her son alive again. She puts Tanya in the sauna armed with a gun with one bullet and demands she kill herself or kill Mark. OR ELSE. Or else what I am not sure, but this is Lifetime and we are suspending all belief of plausible logistics. Instead of just shooting the lock on the sauna door or shooting off the sauna switch with the heat, Tanya does this:


Then in an "ohhhhhhhhhh" moment, Tanya decides to fire off a random bullet and attack Carissa with the hot rocks in the sauna. Tanya and Mark escape through the door, but OF COURSE, since this is a Lifetime movie, Carissa is not dead.

The killer ALWAYS comes back to life for one last scare.
Did we not learn anything from Scream?
#arethesekidstoyoungtoknowScream #scary

Randy to the rescue!  He shows up and harpoons Carissa with Neptune's Trident.

Moby sunk the great Coug-whore.

And they found Walter tied up in the air conditioning unit, if anyone cares.

Flash forward to a month later, Mark and Melanie are dating, Randy and Tanya are dating and, Walter finds his own cougar because he learned absolutely nothing from this movie. Basically, everyone lives happily ever after in Canada.

Except Carissa. Because she is dead.

Annndddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch Lethal Seduction? Let me know in the comments! Also, what is your favorite Lifetime movie ever?

As always, I'm killing brain cells so you don't have to,

28 comments:

  1. No, haven't watched and won't. SHE likes films with good dialogue....actually, SHE prefers to listen to films rather than watch them. (Years of doing school preparation with TV on.....)

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    1. Oh, my husband does too. He totally gets annoyed with these Lifetime movies. Hahahaha. But he made me go see the Entourage movie! In the theater! It was torture! His punishment is Lifetime movies and Ant-man this weekend. :)

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  2. I love these posts, LOL! They're so damn funny. We all have our guilty pleasures. I've recently gotten sucked into the Vampire Diaries show.

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    1. Is that any good? I've heard things about it! And it's on Netflix and I'm always looking for new ones!

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  3. Get this, I watched my first Lifetime movie in almost 10 years this past weekend!!!! The Craigslist Killer or something... BAHAHA

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    1. Ohhh I've seen that one! That guy was so creepy! And real ugh.

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  4. I can't remember the last time I watched a Lifetime movie - but now I don't have to because your recaps are so much better!

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  5. Even if I watched it, which I didn't, I'd still rather read your review! LOL!

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    1. Hahahaha right?
      It was just awful! But Dina Meyer looked incredible.

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  6. The movie doesn't sound so good, but your take on it is pretty funny!

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    1. Bloody awful! Seriously, are Cougars still a thing? That just grosses me out tbh I was ewwwww the whole time! I can't imagine being with a teenager. It's so To Catch A Predator.

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  7. I don't much Lifetime but I might check in on now that you give these wild recaps. I wonder how much time you spend on researching these pics you post! Good job!

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    1. Omgosh these posts are love/hate. I love the way they turn out, but the actual work.....you don't even want to know. I have to rewatch them, and if it's bad the first time, it's worse the 2nd. And the third, forget about it. Takes forever to write too because I'm critical of my "funny"...if I don't laugh out loud, I won't post.
      Thank you so much! Oh and there's a good one on next week about teens tricking a guy into ordering a fake mail order bride.
      And by good I mean bad.
      Lol!

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  8. This post is better than watching the movie lol!! Great post.

    Anne and Ziggy

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  9. The fact that you write these recaps is hilarious!! And what a great hubs you have who watches with you!! I was all over lifetime movies in high school and college! So cheesy and fabulous! My favorite one EVER was Unwed Father with Brian Austin Green. I had it on VHS tape and probably watched it 100 times!! Loved the music too!!

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    1. and I should probably point out that I didn't buy the VHS tape I recorded it off Lifetime...those were the days, huh? LOL

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  10. I tried watching some Lifetime movies--did you know there are a TON on YouTube? Many of the older ones I loved back in the 90s...I just can't enjoy them now. I don't know what happened to me but my tastes changed and I don't enjoy them. One exception is the movie "Deadly Honeymoon," which was made as an independent movie but finally picked up by Lifetime. It was based on the real-life story of that couple who went on a cruise ship and he went overboard. I hadn't heard that story before I saw the movie, which made it even better! After seeing the movie, I watched the Dateline coverage of the real story...the whole thing is pretty riveting.

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    1. Yes I do! I've watched all the old ones on YouTube I loved! Lifetime is so funny to me. The formula writing never changes, lol. I'd love to write for them!
      I think I saw that one. I've pretty much seen them all. I just watched one based on a true story called Restless Virgins. It was crazy! It's on Netflix. Xxoo

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  11. I love that you watch these so I don't have to :) xo

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  12. Good lord---you just did me a favor by watching this and sparing ME from watching it, ha-ha! I actually spent last Saturday night watching To Kill A Mockingbird. Thank gawd no cougars in that.

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    1. Lmfao.
      I love To Kill A Mockingbird btw! It always reminds me of a defense attorney I clerked for my 2nd year of law school - was his favorite movie ever.
      Thanks for coming by Marcia!! xxxxxxooo

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  13. Sounds just awful.

    So of course I need to see it ;)

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  14. OMG girl I can't believe you made it through that whole movie! The trident was cracking me up. Who thinks that crap up.

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    1. Ummmmm I made it through more than once. LMFAO.
      I know, right? So odd. Someone must be insane to write this shit.

      Lifetime, HIRE ME.

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