If you have been following my blog, you know I have dabbled in a few recaps of the craptastic drama that plays on Lifetime. For those of you who are new, here are a few to catch you up to speed:
Lately, I have lost that loving feeling for writing about Lifetime's array of films. Until I watched this little gem called "Double Daddy":
(Can't make a title like this up, folks)
And then I watched it again. AND then, I watched it again and again for the purposes of writing this blog because I knew you would want an extensive and thorough recap of this
smelly pile of donkey doo masterpiece.
Let me tell you the things I put my mind and body through to entertain you all.
***WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD. As if any of you care, this is not Scorsese or Coppolla.***
As an aside, the names of actors and actresses in "Double Daddy" are non consequential because the first thing you need to know about almost EVERY. SINGLE. Lifetime film is that the cast is largely Canadian. The film might even be, or more than likely was, shot in Canada.
Lifetime: Rocking your body til Canada Day since 2005.
As an additional aside, "Double Daddy" was "inspired by true events" which more than likely means this shit only happened in the mind of the 21 year old intern writer at Lifetime who wrote this garbage and said "this seems plausible!" And then, some executive rolled with the production because after a round of Franzia boxed wine and "Devious Maids" marathon one evening, he was like, "eh, what the hell."
Boxed wine is a dangerous thing.
But truly, I digress.
Now you might be wondering, what is the plot of "Double Daddy? Here is the condensed Cliff's Notes version of the plot (or for those of you like me, who want to hurry up and read the last page of the book):
For the masochists, let's press on.
Wealthy high schooler Connor throws a drunken party for his friends over the summer while his parents are out of town. Connor receives a call from his girlfriend, Amanda, who is away at summer camp and wants to say hello and see if he is doing
anybody anything. Insert party guest Heather, who is invited by Connor's friend because he friended her on Facebook presumably a few hours before the affair. Connor, who is shitfaced extremely inebriated, runs into Heather in the garage while grabbing a few more beers for the party. Heather, who has listened to Beyonce's Drunk in Love one too many times, suggests Connor "show her how the buttons work" inside a Mercedes. Wink, wink.
Oh, this writer is GOOD. Golden Globes a' plenty in his future.
Connor and Heather subsequently do the deed. And Connor is all:
Meanwhile, back at high school, Amanda finds out that Connor took a picture with Heather while at the party. She is concerned, but not really, because her and Connor have been dating for "like 2 years." But just to be certain, her best friend suggests they Facebook stalk her because Facebook is like the Rosetta Stone of high school.
Heather has only like 6 friends and one of them is your man. And this is high school. Honey, he is either bumping uglies with her or she is the school pot dealer. Or both.
Amanda is not worried because she has something else up her sleeve - she is late, and by late I do not mean:
Nope, Amanda thinks she might be pregnant. This is where her best friend tells her (Lifetime Movies always have a "voice of reason"):
"No worries! I'm like late alllllll the time."
Amanda heads home where a
lame subplot is brewing. Her sister is being comforted by her mother because she had another miscarriage. She is suffering with infertility issues, and desperate to have a child of her own. Upon hearing this, Amanda immediately gets the "It was me, in the parlor, with the candlestick" guilty face on because she got pregnant on like, the first try.
We can only assume said first try was at some point during the three month summer at camp, when she was away from Connor? I guess the angle we are going with here is Amanda was kicking it Old Testament style with an immaculate conception. The writer wants us to "suspend disbelief" of any plausible logistics, which is pretty much how you should view every Lifetime movie.
That night, Heather takes a pregnancy test and instead of freaking out that she is soon to be a teen mom, consulting a parent or calling the baby daddy, she decides BUT FIRST, let me take a selfie.
#knockedup #whothedaddy #peestick #likeforlikes #peestickfetishes
The next day at school, Heather tells Connor she is pregnant and she plans to keep the baby.
At or around the same time, Amanda catches wind of a new photo Heather posts on Facebook where she makes her big announcement.
This is a great picture for the baby book.
Love that the Lifetime stylist went with a "Young Kennedy" haircut for Connor. Next stop, a stint running for Senator while TMZ pulls up that story about the girl you knocked up in Canada one summer. Speaking of taking a line from the Kennedy playbook, when infuriated Amanda confronts Connor about his cheating, lying ways, he gives an "oh golly, aw shucks" look and pulls out his best lines: "but I was drunk!" and "BUT WE ONLY HAD SEX LIKE ONE TIME." Connor will lead a successful career as a politician, for certain.
Amanda then runs off fed up with Connor and lets her bestie know she is, indeed, preggo. Connor is going to be a DOUBLE DADDY! Damn, that writer is truly a prophetic genius.
We also learn Heather's mom is out of the picture and her dad is basically a dirtbag. Heather confronts Connor about this situation and tells him that she needs money because "like, what am I supposed to wear."
Heather needs maternity clothes. And acting lessons.
In the meantime, Amanda's parents find out she is pregnant and they are all cool with it, but when they confront Connor's parents with the news, they are none too thrilled. Then, they are downright pissed upon learning he has two high school girls pregnant. While Amanda and Connor are busy breaking the joyous news, we find Heather at it again (someone needs to take this damn girl's wifi away) posting more selfies:
Because we need more than one Farrah Abraham in the world.
A new brewing sub, SUB plot! Heather's old boyfriend Trent shows up at her house and he is mad. He knows all about her conniving ways and he is ready to expose her for the skank
everyone is aware she is nobody knows. Old boring, yawn sub plot: Amanda's sister is pissed Amanda is pregnant and she still cannot have a baby. Hey, Amanda's sister, we have bigger problems here, like how the hell does Heather afford wifi and an iPhone 6 Plus with a data plan when her dad is so dirt poor?
Fast forward in Lifetime land to four months later. Connor and Amanda see their baby on the sonogram and it is a girl. Over in the trailer park, Heather is racking up the fancy maternity clothes Connor purchased for her.
These are gonna rock my baby bump selfies.
Heather's DNA results have returned and Connor is definitely the #babydaddy. Connor's mom pulls a fast one and tries to bribe Heather's deadbeat dad with some money, but Heather's dad being a loser
smart to get the hell away from Heather and you will see why soon enough! leaves with the money and most of their belongings. Heather shows up on Connor's doorstep and basically worms her way into their home and they all have dinner like one big happy family.
No worries, kids. Jennifer Anniston recovered and had a nice film career after "Leprechaun."
The next morning, Connor leaves and Heather digs around and finds a brochure for a Lamaze class where Connor is meeting up with Amanda. As she tries to leave, Trent shows up (dun dun DUN, sub-sub plot) and wants money or else he plans to tell Connor all about Heather's other pregnancies and miscarriages. Heather cannot have this happening.
And this is Lifetime, so what is a girl to do....
Oh my, the raspberry jam took him out.
I say old chap, it was Mrs. Peacock, in the garage, with the lead pipe.
Back in the snoozefest subplot, Amanda decides to give her baby to her sister. Thank GOD, she was seriously like, so annoying.
Over in high school land, the school has planned a big field trip to the woods and of course, Heather, Amanda and Connor are all attending. By the way, Heather is miffed that Connor and Amanda are getting along so well and, being that she is already on a killing spree, she figures, yeah, someone else HAS.TO.DIE.
Because this is Lifetime, follow along, people!
Long story short, Amanda heads off to the woods and Heather trails behind, eventually attacking Amanda.
#steakknife. I got this from Connor's kitchen, bitch. #winning
They both fall off a cliff, which sends Heather into labor and she immediately delivers a healthy, perfectly clean baby with no blood, afterbirth or placenta drama.
Later on, Amanda delivers her baby in the hospital. She and Connor keep the baby, actually BOTH babies, because these two geniuses are not going to be admitted to any colleges, so why not be teen parents, besides Connor's parents are like, way, WAY rich so #WINNING.
Heather is sent to prison for killing her ex-boyfriend and for, in general, being a
terrible actress Lifetime psycho. But, of course, she has time for one last selfie.
After all, if there is one thing Orange is the New Black has taught us, prison is #goodtimes.
Anddddddd roll credits.
(For those of you who missed this fine piece of work, it is currently available on Lifetime On Demand and the Lifetime App on AppleTV.)
Did you watch "Double Daddy"? Let me know in the comments below if you watched or any other recent Lifetime movies you would like me to review!
Watching trashy movies so you don't have to, I am,