June 28, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network, Once More With Feeling: Perfect High




Ah, once again time for another Lifetime movie review.  For those of you that missed out on my last review, feel free to follow this link if you have a few minutes of your life to spare:

The Revenge of Lifetime Movie Network: Double Daddy

I spent a good week recovering from last Saturday night's Will Ferrell/Kristin Wiig debacle "Deadly Adoption" on Lifetime.  If you missed out on that gem, congratulations, you retained all of your brain cells!


Because I am slightly sick in the head dedicated to recapping Lifetime's trash for you, on Saturday night, I decided to watch Lifetime's latest film "Perfect High."


This movie was two hours and two minutes long with limited commercial interruption. Limited commercial interruption is a device that should ONLY be used during quality programming like Sons of Anarchy, Agents of Shield or when a weave tugging fight erupts between a couple of the Real Housewives on Bravo.


You know, during the times I need to know what happens next. NOT during a Lifetime movie, especially ones I recap which involves the watching, re-watching and RE-re-watching that causes my husband to ask, "Oh god, are you watching that again?"

I just give and give to you people.  All for the funny.  But truly, I digress.

We have a lot to cover here, so let's get started.  Oh and quick warning. Spoilers Ahead! (just in cause you were gripping onto your Seagram's Wine Cooler in anticipation for Lifetime to spew out another classic.)

"Perfect High" stars Bella Thorne, who is NOT Canadian, and everyone else in the film who is, you guessed it, Canadian.  Per usual, the movie is set in Canada at a Canadian high school, and as always, the movie is based on real life events which means it was absolutely not, and you should go ahead and relegate this to being one of the best scripts on the Lifetime writing desk this week out of a crap pile of scripts titled "The Nanny's Secret Seduction" "16 and So Deadly" "My Wife, My Murderer" and "Surrogate Psycho."

Now, if you are anything like me and Wikipedia the end of a movie before the previews even begin to roll, you might be wondering about the plot of "Perfect High." For all practical purposes, all you need to know is:


But since many of you are disturbed sycophants eager to read the full story, let's press on.  Amanda, who appears to be at least 25, is a high school student and a member of her school's dance team Rhythm Chasers.  The dance troupe plans to be the next big thing on "Talent Nation" which is, one can only assume, Canada's version of So You Think You Can Dance.

Amanda dancing. Or posing for the next film in her career, "Deep Throat Dancers 25."

After a montage of some fairly suggestive dancing and some really bad dialogue, we see Amanda eating dinner with her mom, dad and brother.  Amanda and her brother are being rude as fuck typical teenagers and texting each other through the meal. Amanda's parents get pissed off at her brother for texting, but not Amanda because he is not doing well in school nor is he a member of Future Pole Dancers of America.  He is sent to his room and Amanda follows to console him.

Amanda doling out advice while looking like a young Amber Waves. #boogienights #dirkdiggler

Well played, Lifetime. Well played.

Later, it is time for the big game at school and Rhythm Chasers performs.  And then, this happens:

Ho Ho the Dancer, Your Lifetime Is Calling

Which, in turn, leads to this happening:


Let the "perfect high" begin.  I see what you did there, Lifetime. These writers, I tell you. Pulitzer Prize winning.

Amanda is pretty bummed she is laid up in bed with a bad leg and armed with a RX full of pain meds.  That is, until her brother tells her that the video of her busting her ass falling during the dance routine got a ton of "likes."  He tells Amanda she is super popular at school because:

"Everybody loves a gimp."


Way to be pc, Lifetime.

After that little comment, we are subjected to 5,432,000 selfies of Amanda she uploads to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

#crutchlife #hydrocodoneisbae

Amanda heads back to school where she learns her dance team does not find her uploads cute at all. One member responds to the posts by saying, "hashtag get over yourself." Amanda, bummed, pops a squat in the hall to drown her sorrows in Vicodin and meets Riley.  Riley, who is at least 27, is eager to make friends with Amanda sporting a nose that would rival any K-9 drug dogs and immediately asks for one of Amanda's pain pills because "sharing is caring."

I smelled your pills halfway across campus. 

Amanda gives her one and after this, we see a montage of Amanda taking pill after pill lounging around high school. Amanda then meets up with her best friend Alexis, who is also on the dance squad, in the hall and asks her if she would like to spend the night after the game.  Fairly soon after (ignore the space time continuum here, people, this is Lifetime - you must suspend all plausible logistics), we see Amanda standing around texting Alexis to no avail. Alexis has ditched Polly Pillhead for some friends who are sober, more than likely, but Amanda gets all #sadface and insert Riley to save the day.  Riley asks Amanda if she wants to hang out with her, her boyfriend Nate, and her brother Carson, who, like a true gentleman, sees Amanda and ask, "you're the chick that fell right?"  

Just dripping with charm, that one.

Amanda heads over to Riley's where Riley pulls out the good dishware, aka the Solo Cups, and fixes up some screwdrivers because her dad "never notices anyway."  Amanda tells Riley she cannot drink because she is on meds, but no worries, Amanda.  Riley points out, and rightly so, that EVERYONE is on meds these days.  She suggests they all do the Kennedy package, aka two hydrocodone and a few shots of vodka. They all eagerly agree because #FUN #daterapeondeck #overdoseisbae.


Later on, Amanda heads back to the doctor who quickly prescribes a MINOR more pain pills without checking to see if her first prescription had run out or if she really needed them because, eh, why not.  Over in boring sub-plot land, Rhythm Chasers gets invited to perform on Talent Nation.  Amanda has some new dance steps, but she has no time to teach them to the girls because, HELLO, she just got a fresh bottle of magic beans from the Pharmaceutical Godmother.

Back at Riley's house, Riley lets Amanda know that she should be dating Carson and she has just the trick to make him like Amanda, loads of black eyeliner and slutty clothes.  After all, it worked for Lindsey Lohan on her quest to do every available hornball douche in Hollywood.

Your eyeliner should be as black as my soul.

And now, it is time for Lifetime to teach us the first of several "Life Lessons."  Riley, Amanda, Nate and Carson all head to a garage sale randomly in the middle of the movie.  Amanda tells Riley that her medication is not working like it used to; she must have built up a tolerance after she took 5,420 a day. Riley has a *genius* idea.

Life Lesson 1: If you are low on pain meds, hit up old people's garage sales. Ask the old person if you can use their bathroom and then, raid the medicine cabinet. 

#geriatricsfordayzzzzzz #viagraiseverythang

After using the "I need to go to the bathroom" lie on an unsuspecting old lady, Riley grabs some Oxycodone from the old lady's bedroom. When Amanda questions her and worries the old lady will miss her medication, Riley simply says:

"She's old. Old people lose stuff all the time."

Lifetime, you do realize your geographic is composed of the elderly?  No?  Just throwing caution to the wind.

Apparently, the old lady's drugs make the kids frisky #Viagraisbae, and Riley and Amanda have a make out session.  The next day, Riley shows up at Amanda's house with some coffee and donuts from Tim Horton's, which is like the Canadian version of Starbucks (#learneditfromhowimetyourmother #robinsparklesbitches).  We then are subjected to another musical montage of Amanda doing more and more pills. 

Quick jump to Amanda looking like Courtney Love (on a good day) on the phone with her doctor asking for more pills.  The doctor tells her she should just try ibuprofen and Amanda is pissed. She attempts her routine at dance practice, but quickly heads to call ralph on the big porcelain phone in the bathroom.  Amanda heads home and because Amanda's mom is the biggest fucking idiot on the planet clueless as to her drug use, she thinks Amanda has the flu and sends her to bed.  Amanda, on the other hand, realizes she is having withdrawals and needs more pills.  So, she buys pills from a sketchy drug dealer named Rick who, like all good drug dealers do, hangs out around the bleachers on the school campus. Amanda takes 1/2 pill and heads off to dance practice. The pills do their job and Amanda is a dancing machine.

#pillsthatmakeherdance

We also learn that Carson got accepted into Florida State University and Carson and Amanda celebrate his acceptance by bumping uglies.  But really, let's move on to the more important stuff like why is it pain meds make everyone else in the world sluggish and tired, but turn Amanda into one of the Pussycat Dolls? #thingsthatmakeyougowtf

Anyhoo, there is a party and Amanda shows up and finds Carson hooking up with his ex.  Amanda, who is super upset, heads upstairs and finds Riley and Nate smoking oxycontin which leads us to:

Life Lesson 2: If you crush up pills and smoke them, you use less. And pills are like way expensive, so #savingcash #extremedrugsavers

After smoking too much, Amanda takes a fall and ends up in the emergency room where she gets stitches.  Her dumbass clueless parents arrive and she quickly leads them to believe the fall occurred after she had "a couple of beers."  ATTENTION CLUELESS PARENTS: Any and all incidents involving your teenager at a party or while out past curfew always involve "a couple of beers" and "a couple of beers" is codeword for a bottle of vodka, two kegstands, illicit sexual activity, or in Amanda's case, crack smoking in the bathroom.  #themoreyouknow

Amanda heads home, pill-less, and lies around in bed itching and doing her best Tyrone Biggums impression.


Meanwhile in a boring sub-sub plot, it is Amanda's birthday and instead of getting cash, some really cool gift cards to Tim Horton's or a DVD pack of Robin Sparkles greatest hits, she gets her mother's used Volvo.  No wonder this girl turned to a life of drugs. Carson shows up to apologize to Amanda with some lame excuse about his ex sex being "necessary" because he has problems like he could not keep his ding-a-ling in his pants, and, of course, Amanda immediately forgives him.

The next day, drug dealer Rick, hanging out in the school parking lot per usual, gives Amanda and Riley some "new stuff" that is cheaper at only $9 a bag which leads us to:

Life Lesson 3: Any and all drugs take you on a fun musical trip.

Amanda channeling her inner Moby from the 90s.


Back home, Amanda's parents are infuriated because they learned Amanda's brother smoked a joint.  When Amanda's brother points out Amanda is a junkie had those two beers that led to an ER visit, his parents quickly defend Amanda for being "the responsible one."  Cut to a scene of Amanda hanging out with Riley, Nate and Carson snorting the night away.  Riley texts Rick to find out what this cheap stuff they are snorting really is and learns it is heroin.  Amanda freaks out and wants to throw it out, but Carson tells her "it's like already in our system" so they keep doing it on the promise they will never do heroin again.

Later on, just to prove Amanda's mom is a fucking moron responsible parent, she calls Amanda in the kitchen and tells her that she is afraid Amanda is sick because of Amanda's strange behavior.  To this, Amanda is all:


Amanda's mom is sure she knows what is wrong - it is an eating disorder!  So Amanda's mom takes Amanda to an eating disorder counselor who prescribes Amanda more pills #SCORE.  Amanda heads back to dance practice and stumbles around like Lindsey Lohan on a bender.

LiLo got the role on Herbie Fully Loaded looking just like this.

Amanda's dance coach tells her she is being replaced with the alternate, Alexis, who is also Amanda's former best friend.  Amanda gets pissed and runs outside where she finds Carson who is high on heroin. She complains to Carson that she has been going through withdrawals and decides maybe they should all keep doing heroin and slowly wean off, besides heroin makes her feel great.


They all head to Rick the drug dealer's crib and Amanda sells some of her brother's Adderall for more heroin.  Meanwhile, Riley follows Rick to his bedroom and decides to shoot up heroin because "if you snort it, it's like a waste." Amanda, Carson and Nate all find Riley shooting up and decide to join in and they all start sharing intravenous needles like they have never heard of AIDS, Hepatitis C or Kurt Cobain.

Later on, Amanda shows up at dance practice high as fuck on drugs and dozes off.  While Amanda's dance coach is giving Amanda the boot, Riley is in the locker room robbing the dance team blind for more drug money.

Life Lesson 4: If you run short on drug cash, rob the high school gym lockers.

Amanda is really upset she is kicked off the team and runs home.  Amanda's mom wants to know if Amanda has been drinking and why she was cut from her dance squad and Amanda pulls out all the best lines she learned from her favorite Saved by the Bell episode and tells her mom she is just "so tired" and "so exhausted" and "so excited."

Amanda got all her acting lessons from Jessie Spano.

The very next day, Amanda steals some cash from her parents for more drugs and meets up with Riley, Nate and Carson.  Amanda and Carson hit up Tim Horton's for some iced coffee, and then they all four head to the car to shoot up.  And then, this happens:


In the words of my husband, "Hashtag Dead."

Amanda, Carson and Nate take Riley to the hospital where she subsequently dies of a "heart attack."  There is a memorial service at school, and Amanda heads on home. Amanda's mom gets a call from Riley's dad who lets her know Riley died of a heroin overdose. Amanda's mom finally gets a fucking clue wakes up and asks Amanda if she knows anything about the heroin.  Amanda, in one of her better acting moments, acts like she has just been asked about the Shroud of Turin's origins. Amanda's brother shows up in this shirt to call Amanda on her bullshit:

#GameOverBitch

Lifetime, I applaud you.  *SlowClap*

Amanda runs out, and starts texting everyone for cash.  She heads over to drug dealer Rick's crib without any money and he suggests she pimp herself out for more heroin.  Carson is also there and he begs her to do the same. Amanda, realizing her life has become the climax of an afterschool special or the entire season of the Anna Nicole Show, heads home to ask her mother for help.  

At this point in the movie, my husband said:

"This was just like that time on 90210 when Kelly shows up at the drug dealer's house."


And to that I say, well played, husband, well played.

Amanda goes to rehab and her old best friend Alexis shows up to check on her.  Alexis tells Amanda that Carson has moved to Florida with his dad and Nate has gone "off the grid" to sell drugs.  Then, Alexis says there is nothing left to say, BUT, there is time for one last.....

#SELFIE

#totesrehab #heroinlifeonfleek 

Life Lesson #5: There is ALWAYS time for a selfie.

Andddddddd scene.

Did you watch "Perfect High"? Let me know in the comments below!  

Learning lessons from Lifetime's trashy films so you don't have to, I'm still,

32 comments:

  1. No, but I am obviously downloading it as we speak. My painkillers are out, hmmmmm

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    1. Heroin will be your heroine of course! All you need is slutty clothes, eyeliner and dancing. Lifetime taught me that. And LiLo.

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  2. I finks after reading your hilarious review watching the film will be such a letdown so I won't be watching it, I want to keep wiv the laffings from reading this!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  3. Sounds like a Lifetime Movie, alright. I have a feeling your review was more entertaining.

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  4. Ha, I did not see this one, but now I feel like I must. Lifetime movies are the best.

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    1. It's still playing on LMN!! Check it out!! :)

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  5. Missed it! Thank the powers that be because if I had watched it I would need all those drugs. And I would be washing them down with a margarita.
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

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    1. Lmao yes! That's how I felt watching it!

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  6. #totesrehab lol! I seriously need to see this one! Lifetime movies for the win!

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  7. Thank you so much for another hilarious recap - I appreciate you watching so I don't have to :)!

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    1. You're so welcome! My brain is becoming mush! Lol

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  8. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not getting the "Perfect High" when it was so obvious. I immediately thought it was a reboot of one I watched when I was younger about a gymnast that turns bulimic because her coach calls her fat. I was thinking, HS dancer/cheerleader stops eating to be perfect.

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    1. Omg! I know which one you are talking about! It was called like The Perfect body! I loved that one!!! Also. Like you, I immediately assumed it would be about a group of mean girls at a "perfect high school" or a girl having an eating disorder. Shows my naïveté about drugs....le sigh.

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  9. I would much rather read your reviews! LOL!

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  10. Ironic that this movie makes me WANT to start taking painkillers??? #ithinkso

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    1. Lmao!!!
      Goody goody!
      All aboard the pharmo train!!

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  11. Mum saw the promos for this movie, but decided not to watch it. After reading your review of it, she is glad that she spent the time watching some of the junk she had recorded on her DVR -- but says not to ask what she watched as she cannot recall (which comes from HAVING to take painkillers as a chronic pain sufferer and watching so much junk, bol). Anyway, mum wanted to know if you want her to let you know what typical lifetime movies are coming up, just in case you miss the promos (although it doesn't sound like you will).

    Thanks again for the great review (cough cough cough)

    Toodle pip

    Cookie

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    1. Lol sure! If she sees anything coming up I need to check out, let me know. Doesn't have to be on lifetime either! Just look for trashy or cheesy! Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She tivos hundreds of things to watch. My husband does the same. Let me know if she ever runs across something good and I'll tell my mom (she's in her late 60s).

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  12. Wow. I should have spent some time watching this movie! I love the life lessons. Especially raiding old people's medicine chests. nice.

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    1. I know right? I saw that actually quite a good bit in the law practice. Kids raiding grandmas medicine cabinet for pills. They sold them tho-didn't take them.

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  13. How you stand to watch these all in the name of making our blog reading better is beyond me however, you rock doll! Now go take some ibuprofen because you must still have a headache from this one!

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    1. Lmao the one this weekend was soooo bad! I'm working on it now and it's tedious.
      I swear lifetime is getting worse!

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  14. My DVR said it recorded a murder movie and I suffered through 30 minutes waiting for someone to die. I gave up and Googled what the heck my DVR really recorded and found you. Your review was most entertaining. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by!! So glad I could amuse you!

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  15. I forgot about Lifetime movies!! Do you remember that one from the 90's with the crazy girl who steals the violin-playing college student's identity (and killed her too I think) and then breaks her own hand so she can switch majors to painting? That was my fav.

    I'm going to watch Perfect High when I get home later.

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    1. Omg I think so, lol. I liked the one with Shannon Doherty. I think it was called Friends Til The End? Anyhoo, she was singing in a band and this girl got obsessed with her and of course, stole Shannon's part in the band and her boyfriend. It was great. Gotta love Shannon.

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