May 6, 2015

But, First...Just Don't. 5 Kinds of Selfies That Make Me Wanna Hurl!

Ah, social media - the land of the free and the home of the vain.

What the hell is wrong with this generation that we think the world needs to see 5,432,000 pictures of ourselves?  Try not to take offense to this if you use this app regularly, but Instagram sucks.  When people ask me if I have an Instagram, I reply no and then, when they ask if plan to get an Instagram, I reply:

You see, I've been on Instagram before.  I know the terrain and its inhabitants.  Endless pose after pose from the same person, pictures of that said person's food, pictures of that said person's Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, pictures of that said person's purchases at Ulta, and rounding it back out with more pose after pose after pose.  Of course, the said person expects you to like their pictures if you want to be followed.

They quietly let you know this by tagging every picture as follows:


Such an intelligent world we live in.

I left the Instagram world because a) I realized that the world did not need to see my coffee drinks and my poses with captions like #BestThingYouveNeverHad and #IveBeenDrankin hashtagged underneath and b) I did not did any daily affirmations because dammit, I'm cute.

I know I'm cute.  I look like this:

Some days, like this (when I pull my hair into ponytails):

I'm cute and I just want to be loved like anyone else.  But really, I digress.

Here are the 5 Kinds Of Selfies That Make Me Wanna Hurl:

1) Different Day, Same Shit Selfie

Oh, look at you, posing with your head cocked to the side and your duck lips.  So cute.  Oh, look at you again, with your hand slightly tousling your hair, head cocked to the side, duck lips.  It is Friday?  Oh, look again, another picture of you, with your head cocked to the side - this time it is the left side.  More duck lips.  What is different about any of these pictures and why are you posting the same picture of yourself every day, or even multiple times a day?

What amuses me the most about these kinds of pictures are the comments underneath.

"SO beautiful!"
"Girl, you are hot!"
"Eyebrows on fleek!"

This makes no sense to me.  Why aren't the comments more like this?:

"Another picture of you that looks the same. Weird."
"Why so many of the same poses?  What are we looking at here? Is this a, find my random nose boogie challenge?"
"OOH! Same picture four days in a row. Is this Where's Waldo? I don't see him. Elusive as hell, he is."

2) Photoshop Queen Selfie

Gosh, it was so nice of the Apple AppStore to create all those photoshopping apps for us.  We can now make ourselves slimmer, smooth out our wrinkles, give ourselves thigh gaps (thigh gap on fleek!), literally transform ourselves into different people!  When I know you do not look anything like that picture, I have to wonder what you are aiming for here.

And if I do not know you, but I can see the obvious over-photoshopping of your pictures, I have to wonder if in reality you look like this:

Or this:

And you've done some really, REALLY bad shit which causes you the need to hide your face from the police.

I have seen all those true crime shows on the ID Network.  They will catch on to you....eventually.

3) Car Selfies

Hey you over there.  Yes, you lady, the one driving next to me, with one hand on your phone and one hand on your Starbucks Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino.  Would you mind stopping taking the 25th selfie (because the first 24 weren't flattering) and put the hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel?  Because that little white line the Department of Transportation drew down the lanes wasn't to be colorful or to help pre-schoolers learn how to connect a dotted line.  It's to keep your ass from crashing into me.

We clear?

Seriously, car selfies are just dangerous.  Stop that.

4) Bathroom Selfies

Can we just not?

5) Look At Me Now, I'm Making Paper Selfies

These kinds of selfies are very popular amongst those in uniform.

You have to wonder who took that picture.

I also love the ones where five or six guys join up shirtless to stand together.  It makes me scratch my head and wonder:

"Why are these dudes cuddling shirtless on that tank? What angle were they going for here?"

Cops are also notorious for these kinds of pictures too.  

He is looking for a CHIPS reboot.

And don't forget firemen.  We get it - you have a hose.

Gosh, I hope that fire spread.

What's your least favorite kind of selfie? Or maybe, you take good one!

But first, let me not take a selfie,


  1. Pugsonally I am really bad at taking selfies. My 16 year old says it is my age. I think it is really my lack of interest in posing for pictures of ME. I'd rather take pix of my adorable daughter and equally adorable fur-daughter.
    Love Noodles

    1. Ok I'm severely guilty of taking too many pug you got me there! But our pugs are awesome and that's beautifying the Internet not cluttering it. :)

  2. Selfie shouldn't even be a word. What a dumb concept. And a selfie stick?? Just no.

    1. Omg those selfie sticks. What kind of asshole thought those up. Lol

  3. Your post made me laugh. I do have instagram but I got off of FB because I find it really more offensive than IG. I don't need to know the weather where you live or be sent the hundreds of post that want me to repost if you love your husband, sister, mama, neighbor, whatever.... or seeing your post of undying love for your husband, live-in partner that you could have just written a card and left on the counter for them instead of blasting it to all your friends and the public to see on FB. What's wrong with these people? Anyway...the selfie thing is crazy. I know I don't look good so I wouldn't do that anyway, but it's a sickness with some people who post pic after pic of themselves.

    1. Omg has Facebook actually gotten worse since I left?? Ugh! I used to hate all the FB drama. Seriously people were nuts! If you wrote any status, someone thought it was about them!! This egotistical society I tell you.
      And I mean really, who thinks they look that good that we need so many damn pictures! Unless I overnight into a Victoria's Secret model, not me...that won't happen..I like Taco Bell. I bet those girls don't eat Taco Bell lol

  4. I have some people on my list who take CONSTANT car pictures. Drives me insane. I don't need to see you that often!

    And I still hate the word selfie.

    1. Omg they need to be driving!! And of course they have to take pics of them drinking a Starbucks and driving too. So annoying!

  5. I was thinking about this, and decided what I hate the most are the pics people take from their chest down. So you can see their feet. "My perspective" my ass. Just dumb!

    1. You just confirmed it. Not ever getting on Instagram again. My perspective-no one gives a shit. Lol

  6. I laughed so hard! This is a great post! Must share kind of post...oh if you only had an Instagram... Wait no that's not right!

    1. Lol thank you!! Instagram is such an ass!

  7. I have no idea where you find all these crazy pictures...but I love them. The "Making Paper" Selfies reminds me of tinder profile pictures. smh. Thanks for making me laugh!! (and I do miss you on social media.) xo

    1. Lmao! Omg I bet! I recall those pictures from my single days too. Hahahaha
      Miss you lady!!

  8. Going to post my baseball blog for you. At least part 1. I don't know that I can do it justice but it will be up sometime today.

  9. I've thought about this a hundred times. I hate a bathtub selfies. It is a sure fire way to get me to unfollow you. Or people who post selfies and then caption about the exotic vacation they are on. I'd much rather see the sights on your vacation than how pretty you are...again! Great post!


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