Ah, social media - the land of the free and the home of the vain.
What the hell is wrong with this generation that we think the world needs to see 5,432,000 pictures of ourselves? Try not to take offense to this if you use this app regularly, but Instagram sucks. When people ask me if I have an Instagram, I reply no and then, when they ask if plan to get an Instagram, I reply:
You see, I've been on Instagram before. I know the terrain and its inhabitants. Endless pose after pose from the same person, pictures of that said person's food, pictures of that said person's Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, pictures of that said person's purchases at Ulta, and rounding it back out with more pose after pose after pose. Of course, the said person expects you to like their pictures if you want to be followed.
They quietly let you know this by tagging every picture as follows:
LIKE FOR LIKE
TAG FOR LIKES
LIKE MY SELFIE K?
LIKE MY DAMN SELFIE OR UNFOLLOWED
Such an intelligent world we live in.
I left the Instagram world because a) I realized that the world did not need to see my coffee drinks and my poses with captions like #BestThingYouveNeverHad and #IveBeenDrankin hashtagged underneath and b) I did not did any daily affirmations because dammit, I'm cute.
I know I'm cute. I look like this:
Some days, like this (when I pull my hair into ponytails):
I'm cute and I just want to be loved like anyone else. But really, I digress.
Here are the 5 Kinds Of Selfies That Make Me Wanna Hurl:
1) Different Day, Same Shit Selfie
Oh, look at you, posing with your head cocked to the side and your duck lips. So cute. Oh, look at you again, with your hand slightly tousling your hair, head cocked to the side, duck lips. It is Friday? Oh, look again, another picture of you, with your head cocked to the side - this time it is the left side. More duck lips. What is different about any of these pictures and why are you posting the same picture of yourself every day, or even multiple times a day?
What amuses me the most about these kinds of pictures are the comments underneath.
"Girl, you are hot!"
"Eyebrows on fleek!"
This makes no sense to me. Why aren't the comments more like this?:
"Another picture of you that looks the same. Weird."
"Why so many of the same poses? What are we looking at here? Is this a, find my random nose boogie challenge?"
"OOH! Same picture four days in a row. Is this Where's Waldo? I don't see him. Elusive as hell, he is."
2) Photoshop Queen Selfie
Gosh, it was so nice of the Apple AppStore to create all those photoshopping apps for us. We can now make ourselves slimmer, smooth out our wrinkles, give ourselves thigh gaps (thigh gap on fleek!), literally transform ourselves into different people! When I know you do not look anything like that picture, I have to wonder what you are aiming for here.
And if I do not know you, but I can see the obvious over-photoshopping of your pictures, I have to wonder if in reality you look like this:
And you've done some really, REALLY bad shit which causes you the need to hide your face from the police.
I have seen all those true crime shows on the ID Network. They will catch on to you....eventually.
3) Car Selfies
Hey you over there. Yes, you lady, the one driving next to me, with one hand on your phone and one hand on your Starbucks Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino. Would you mind stopping taking the 25th selfie (because the first 24 weren't flattering) and put the hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel? Because that little white line the Department of Transportation drew down the lanes wasn't to be colorful or to help pre-schoolers learn how to connect a dotted line. It's to keep your ass from crashing into me.
Seriously, car selfies are just dangerous. Stop that.
4) Bathroom Selfies
Can we just not?
5) Look At Me Now, I'm Making Paper Selfies
These kinds of selfies are very popular amongst those in uniform.
You have to wonder who took that picture.
I also love the ones where five or six guys join up shirtless to stand together. It makes me scratch my head and wonder:
"Why are these dudes cuddling shirtless on that tank? What angle were they going for here?"
Cops are also notorious for these kinds of pictures too.
He is looking for a CHIPS reboot.
And don't forget firemen. We get it - you have a hose.
Gosh, I hope that fire spread.
What's your least favorite kind of selfie? Or maybe, you take good selfies....post one!
But first, let me not take a selfie,