Oh, Lifetime Movie Network how I love thee.
I have always been a fan of those cheesy, "there's a moral in this story somewhere" movies with psycho girlfriends, abusive husbands, tormented teens and all the other plots that make women curled up in their pjs with a glass of wine and a box of bon bons react like:
But lately, Lifetime movies have just gotten well, yuck.
Exhibit A: Lifetime's SugarDaddies
The premise: a college girl, Cara, needs money for school and to continue her pursuits in law school (lawyers, I tell ya....) and what's a girl to do? Make an arrangement with an old man, Grant, where she gives him her "services" for $5,000.00 a month.
Grant is played by Peter Strauss who is, incidentally, 68 years old and in the words of my father (who happened to catch the airing of Sugardaddies - my dad loves this kind of craptastic film) is looking exactly like a shriveled up prune. He kind of reminded me of one of those creepy dancing raisins from the 80s.
Lifetime movies always have a "voice of reason" and this one comes in the form of Cara's roommate, another Sugarbaby, who surmises that having sex with old men for money doesn't matter because after all:
"Everyone feels the same in the dark."
And to make matters worse, Grant offers to give Cara $100,000.00 to help her father, who has medical problems, and family out with debt. The only catch if she wants the money?
Grant likes to be choked. You know, during the deed. And he expects Cara to comply.
And all I could think was, this sounds dangerous. I mean I'm surprised Grant wouldn't need a defibrillator in bed with a 20 year old college student.
The movie ends * MINOR SPOILER ALERT* in typical Lifetime fashion with a death. All Lifetime movies end in a death or someone getting arrested and going to prison or both. It is just the law of the Lifetime Gods.
All in all, my husband gave it a glance and totally went:
"This movie was just gross."
And it was. I mean, what is next Lifetime, pedophilia? Well, we had NO idea what Lifetime had in store for us two weeks later. Last Saturday night, Lifetime premiere "The Babysitters Black Book," Exhibit B in Lifetime's Yuck Factor.
"The Babysitters Black Book" premise is teenage girls decide to turn their babysitting business into a prostitution ring. The clients? The fathers of the children they babysit.
Of course, it was all justifiable because the teenagers needed money for college so sleeping with the dads for money made perfect sense. One of the dads, a LAWYER...
I warned you all..lawyers....that Devil's Advocate movie was no joke.
Anyhoo, one of the dad's, a lawyer, offered to pay room, tuition, books etc for the rights to sleep with a 17 year old high school student exclusively.
Of course, sleeping with old married men when you are a teenager is ok because as one of the teenage girl's surmises (voice of reason, folks!):
"You got to use it while you got it!"
The punchline? It wasn't any of the creepy, sex offender, pedophile dads who went to jail.
No, no, they only had to take a parenting class, register as a sex offender and proceed on hitting on underage girls. The teenage ringleader of the prostitution ring received a year in jail.
Justice at its finest.
My husband's reaction: "This movie is horrible."
And it was, it truly was.
Lifetime has really upped it's omg, gross, yuck game. I wonder what will be in store for us next?
I think I'll just to go to bed early on the weekends.
Let me know in the comments if you caught either one of these flicks!
Lifetime is crazy, and so am I,