In preparation for my first wedding anniversary, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane of my crazy, sometimes Nightmare On Single Street, single life. Let me stress, I am so thankful for my husband. God sent me my husband after my experiences as a single woman at the right time because after all the toads, Gremlins, three headed demons and others I met along the way of the single life, I sure do appreciate him.
I had many dates in my single life. Some of them were ok, but a good bit of them ended with me:
Here are My Top 5 Worst Dates Ever:
1) Every Other Week With My Dogs Dude: I met this guy on Yahoo Personals. I know, I know, I was lonely, in a new city, bored, so I went to Yahoo Personals back in the day. The guy looked fairly normal in his profile picture and his bio listed him as having a decent job, well educated and so forth. When we first started chatting, he warned me that he had turned a lot of girls off because he had a gap between his front teeth and some other minor teeth problems. Looks are not everything, so I told him that was not an issue, and set up a dinner date. We met at a little Italian restaurant near my apartment for an early dinner. When I arrived, all I saw was this:
Maybe not that bad, but his teeth were a lot worse than he described and he was short. REALLY short. I am 5'3" and 1/2, and when I am taller than you, you are short. Again, I let this slide because let's face it - most of these guys on dating sites lie a little about their appearance. Yeah, he lied a lot, but truly I digress. Let's press on to the date. During dinner, he proceeded to tell me all about his recent ex-girlfriend. By recent, I mean, up until a a week before we set up the date, they were living together. And oh, by the way, they shared custody of their dogs. It was his week with the dogs, so he wanted to get home to them as soon as possible. You surely have read the title of this blog. I love my dogs, but really? You share custody of your dogs with your ex? She also has to stop by every other week and visit when she brings them, and he really is never going to get over her because she was perfect. Did I want to hear more about her? No. But for the next hour or so, I listened to every detail about this woman including her bra and shoe size. Hopefully, he is happily married to her or she's got a restraining order against him because he admitted he had jumped over her home fence a few times to watch her through her window. Not kidding.
2) Do You Want To Lick The Floor Too? Guy: This one was my fault, again. I went on a date with one of my species - another lawyer. I should have known that would be a huge mistake. We went on a date to a Mexican restaurant and he ordered a salad because he was watching his carbs and boyish figure.
Let me stop and mention here that he had a little bit of a weight problem. I doubt he was watching his figure, more like, the salad cost $2 and his stingy self did not want this date to be over $20 since he asked how much the item I ordered cost.
While he ate his salad, some salad dressing dropped on to the table. A big blob of thousand island dressing. And then, out of nowhere, he took a leaf of lettuce, ran it through the dressing on the table and ate it. Even worse, he took his finger and scooped up the rest for a last bite.
I don't make this stuff up people. Later on, this guy got arrested for a DUI. He sped off extremely inebriated right out in front of a donut shop.
Lawyers don't all come with brains, folks.
3) Dippity Do Guy: This was a blind date/set up by some friends. I told him I would meet him at the restaurant for dinner. First mistake, the restaurant was The Melting Pot, and if you have ever been in a Melting Pot, you know that the tables are very intimate and create a one on one atmosphere you cannot avoid. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking actually; I was thinking a date with free cheese. Damn you cheese for being my weakness.
When I arrived at the restaurant, he grabbed my hand, slobbered all over it and I do mean slobber, handed me a rose and then, I took a long look at him. Now, I'm not sure what kind of gel he was using, but it looked like his head had fallen in a vat of vegetable oil. There was greasy hair everywhere. He started spouting poetry at the table within seconds of me sitting down. Poetry like...."your eyes are the pools of fondue soon to be swimming at our table." All I could think is, oh god, there are multiple courses at this place of fondue. This is it, this is the end - death by cheese.
The waiter came by for our drink order and I distinctly remember saying:
"Vodka 7. Hold the 7."
I concocted a plan and escaped, fortunately. To this day, I have never returned to a Melting Pot.
4) French Dip: This story is a long one, but I will spare you the details because most of them annoy me and remind me, yet again, why I dislike my former profession so much. This guy was a fellow law student. Again with my species - WHY, WHY did I think this was a good idea? Anyhoo, he and I went out on a few dates and he seemed like a fun, nice guy. Thus, I invited him to our law school homecoming event. We had a dance on Friday evening, and a game/tailgate to attend on Saturday, our parents were invited to attend, and all in all, this was a pretty big weekend for law school seniors. He was a junior, mind you, so he would only be at the event because of me. During the dance, he was acting strange, but I could not put my finger on why. The very next day, the day of our game, he wanted to take his own car instead of pick me up. Once my family and I (who drove me) met him there, he was still acting strange, but not too strange because he let my mom pay for our lunch. Actually, once we sat down at the table for lunch he blurted out that he had no money. Oh the signs I tell you. Why didn't I listen to the signs?
But let's press on. While at the game, which he had a ticket to because of me, he is again, acting strange. So, I ask:
Me: "Is something wrong?"
French Dip: "Eh, no, not really?"
Me: "Um ok."
French Dip: "Wellllllll, you see, I kind of need to get rid of you today."
French Dip: "Yeah, my French girlfriend is in town, the one I met while I was studying abroad this summer with the law school. And I want to fu*k her."
Me: "Do what?"
French Dip: "Yeah...."
Again, people I do not make this stuff up. He left quickly after this because one of my friends threatened to kick his ass in the stadium. We still talk about that story to this day.
Moral: DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT DATE LAWYERS.
Moving along, to my all time favorite worst date ever.....
5) Demented Dentist: Sometimes I wonder what was wrong with me when I was in my 20s. I had so much book sense, but sometimes I could be so dumb. Why would anyone want to date someone in the dental profession? I HATED the dentist office. I still HATE the dentist office.
Nevertheless, I met Demented Dentist through some friends. He had just joined a dental practice. We went on one date that was surprisingly good, which led to date #2.
Before I start with Date #2, I want you all to know that I know I am nosy, I know that I should not be prying through anyone's stuff and I know it is wrong to do that without asking. But I did. I was in my 20s. I was most likely vodka-dated (sedated by vodka). And I most certainly had questions. You see, Demented Dentist was REALLY secretive about his life beyond "I'm a dentist." He had a lot of questions for me, and yes, we talked on the phone in between dates, but when I asked questions about him, he wouldn't answer them or simply, avoided the questions. So, on Date #2, while he was in the bathroom, I picked up his phone and I clicked on the photo album.
And every photo in that photo album was a girl sitting in his dental chair, heavily sedated, with her shirt or skirt pulled up. Yep, he took nude pictures of the women he was working on while they were under anesthesia. At that moment, I ran out and texted him something like:
"Yea, my dog just called and I have to get home to an emergency."
I could not believe that happened to me, and to make it worse, he actually pm'ed me on Yahoo messenger months later wanting to go out again. To which I replied:
"Yeah, uh no. HELL no. And if you wonder why, you should check your photo album on your phone."
What a nightmare.
Again, I am so, so, so appreciative of my husband. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. With all the bad dates I had been on, I pretty much had given up on getting married until I met him. I will be talking about him soon in an upcoming post for our anniversary, but just want to shout out God again for giving me such a wonderful, caring, considerate, patient and NORMAL man.
Have you had any dates from hell? Share them in the comments below!