March 20, 2017

Home Is Where The Wifi Connects Automatically, And I'm Back, Bitches



I know, I KNOW. I have been totally absent from the blog forever and a day.

I could give you a list of reasons why like:

1) I have been overwhelmingly busy. Just so damn busy. Busy bee over here with my unemployed self.

These floors will not Swiffer themselves.

February 2, 2017

A Mili Wifey Rant: Fifty Shades Shittier



Today, I am serving you up a rant. Mili Wifey style. I know, I KNOW. I am normally an extremely positive person, but, BUT, I just cannot take it anymore.

If I see that bound from Satan's colon, stinking pile of evil poo poo known as the Fifty Shades Darker trailer ONE.MORE.TIME.

I am going to LOSE MY SHIT.

Enough is enough, people.

In case you have been living under a rock, or have not turned on a television or radio, or have not watched a YouTube video or just in general, have not been a breathing member of the human species, Fifty Shades Darker, the follow up to the first horrendous shit pie "film," is coming to theaters. And because of course it is, the release date is Valentine's Day. Because who does not want to watch a little booty spanking and handcuffing on Valentine's Day, right?


Mili Wifey tried to watch Fifty Shades Of Grey (yep, I am talking about myself in the third person again so you know I mean business). About 10 minutes into the movie, I wanted to dial up the CIA and inform them to stop whatever they were doing in the torture department because watching this film would cause anyone to offer up vital information immediately. This movie seriously needs a disclaimer that it has been known to cause excessive heartburn, brain fluid leakage, ass chapping from the runny poo you will have after sitting through the diarrhea dialogue, and really, just flat out ignorance.

AND NOW, they have made another movie. It seems the studio is trying damn hard to pull some sort of unauthorized Jedi mind trick by planting the trailer EVERYWHERE. Before ANYTHING. In EVERY.SINGLE.COMMERCIAL. This way, some poor saps will be drug to the movie by their significant other on Valentine's Day.

My friends, this trailer is horrible. If I hear Dakota Johnson say one more time:

Are you offering me hearts and flowers, Christian?

And I hear "What Is Happening To ME!!!" sung at some pitch only dogs can hear by Zayn (featuring T-Swift, because of course it is).

THIS is going to be Mili Wifey:


I am holding you responsible, Universal Pictures. 

Legit, Military Husband send THEM the bill for the funeral.
#andcollectsomecoins

Really, friends. I have never been subjected to something this intolerable in the form of advertising a movie. Can this madness end now? Wait, what? There is going to be a third movie? Fifty Shades Freed?

I QUIT LIFE.

Are you sick of the Fifty Shades Darker trailer? Will you be watching this movie? Is anyone else just as annoyed as I am? Let me know in the comments below!

I am in a Fifty Shades Shitshow, because I am,


January 25, 2017

It's Oscar Season, Or My 6 Favorite Best Picture Winners



On February 26, 2017, a bunch of celebrities will gather together to pontificate on current events and pat themselves gratuitously on the back for making millions of dollars providing us all entertainment.

That can only mean one thing. 

It is time for the 89th Academy Awards!

Photo Credit: Oscars.org
Now, I must admit I skipped many of the 2017 nominated films. I know, I KNOW. I tried, friends. But, BUT, five minutes into La La Land and I wanted to find Ralphie and borrow his Red Rider BB Gun. If I want to watch ridiculously silly singing and dancing, well, you know the drill.

When in doubt, Whedon it out.

Photo Credit: Warner Bros.
But truly, I digress.

This year, there are so many deserving performances and a diverse list of nominees, it will be interesting to see who picks up the most coveted award in Hollywood. Do you have any Oscar predictions of your own?

January 22, 2017

The REAL Arkham Asylum, Or An Afternoon At The Danvers State Hospital For The Criminally Insane



Editor's Note: You probably expected a recap of Lifetime's remake of the classic movie "Beaches." Unfortunately, that will not be featured on my blog. I know, I KNOW. But, BUT, I could not stomach a remake of this film and, furthermore, it is my mom and my absolute favorite movie of all time to watch together. Since I am far away from mom, seeing our movie turned into a pile of absolute donkey dingleberries would make me incredibly sad. And who wants a sad Mili Wifey? Right. Let's press on.

On Sunday, I decided to find something for Military Husband and I to do around Boston that would be fun. You know, to really celebrate Sunday Funday. There are SO many options to choose from, but I decided to find something that would be totally free and completely scary as hell spooky. 

Friends, terrifying is to Mili Wifey like ratchetosity is to Love and Hip Hop Atlanta.

Grab a sippy cup of your favorite booze.
#letsbebesties

But truly, I digress.

January 14, 2017

I'm Just A Girl, Take A Good Look At Me, Or Read My Interview On Whimsical September's Blog



Happy Saturday Friends!

I just wanted to let you all know that I was featured on my friend and fellow Military Wifey's Erica's blog at Whimsical September.


You can get to know a little bit more about my blog, family and life on her series called "The Saturday Sit-Down." 

Ahem, you know, you can learn all about yours truly.

I know, I KNOW. Me, me, me, me, ME.


Anyhoo, please check out the interview here:


If you read my interview, I will give you extra pug kisses because I am,

January 8, 2017

Helena (No, Not The My Chemical Romance Song), Or My First Winter Storm Experience



I survived my first Winter Storm! What is up, Helena?


Being a Southerner, I really did not know what to expect. Saturday morning, I went to the gym, which was packed, early. On my way home, I stopped by Dunkin Donuts, which was also packed and this conversation occurred:

Man In A Patriots Hoodie: Oh. So I was talking to my friend in New Bedford. They are in a full out blizzard! Can you believe it? It's heading this way in one hour.

Me:


Look friends, I have heard about the Northeast Snowpocalypse. And I know the snow here is no joke.