June 19, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger



James Franco is such an ass.


I try to forgive his groan worthy performance as Harry Osborn because, well, I do heart Spiderman. However, a string of other roles in films such as James Dean (Franco as James Dean - really? REALLY?), Oz The Great and Powerful (to be fair, Michelle Williams was that film's only good casting decision) and Spring Breakers (on my "worst movies of all time" list) are indefensible.

Let's not forget that time when Franco was a fucking dumbass total creep and hit on a teenager using his Instagram account.

#JustNO

June 16, 2016

Little Green Men, Or That Time My Dad & I Were In The X-Files



As you may guessed from my entire section on this blog devoted to #MarvelForever, I am a little bit of a nerd. Back in the day, I was a huge fan of the television show The X-Files. I watched religiously, worshipped Agent Scully and Agent Mulder (I even wanted to join the FBI, I know, I KNOW), was the first in line to see the feature movie and built and managed my own X-Files fan website.

I am a mega nerd.
#sueme

I just might have a obnoxiously large tiny X-Files collection, which includes all the episodes, magazines, books, dolls, posable figures and autographs from the cast.

Located in my #nerdcave.
Where I make the blogging "magic" happen.

June 12, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Killing Mommy



When you are a member of a Lifetime family, your codename is "DAF," otherwise known as Dysfunctional As Fuck. See for exampleYou May Now Kill The BrideThe Perfect DaughterThe Stepchild and the list goes on and on and ON.

Basically, watching this network's familial system at work makes you wonder:


Terrible convoluted scriptwriting, thy name be Lifetime. #anditbeBAD

June 9, 2016

Shit I Do When Military Husband Is Out Of Town



Military Husband is, as you know, in the military.


I know, I KNOW. However, sometimes I feel you might forget. For the most part on "Le Olde Blog De Mili Wifey" (how clever with the language am I, right?), I am preoccupied with talking about myself, ratchets, Lifetime movies, thug life and......

of course, MYSELF.

I am over here doing great things, people.

Well, I mean, in my mind I am.

June 5, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: You May Now Kill The Bride



Ah, summertime is upon us. And when I think of summer, I think of heatstrokes, chlorine reeking public pools filled with toddler pee pee and Lincoln log poo, barbecues with weenies and gas inducing pork and beans and of course, wedding season.

All brides are beautiful.
And insane until they say "I do."

It should come as no surprise that Lifetime is celebrating the season of the blushing bride with their latest Saturday Night Colostomy Bag Masterpiece:


The title alone and I am like:


Than be slowly tortured with this painful inflammation of a film.

May 29, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: The Maid



Folks, there is no nice way to word what is on my mind. Lifetime is totally fucking with yours truly.

Sorry Cap. 
#butthefuckeryisreal

I am not sure if the executives at Lifetime are simply angry with my "assuming the Lifetime position" references, sick of my disdain for the Lifetime Police Department or fed up with my pandering to the Lifetime "ewww" factor (i.e., Grandpappy's playing hide the polish sausage in the rye bread with teenage babysitting hookers). 

But, BUT, Saturday night's Lifetime movie "The Maid" was really just some, well: